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from near his heart he took a rib
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Ben Sullivan
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 09, 2014 10:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Maybe it's not okay. Maybe I should be working harder. But I'm not -- I'm letting it go on like it's okay, like I'm okay, and it's... okay. It's okay.

It's better than okay, really. I still lose time, but when I come back, things are less... chaotic? Less disturbed, less disrupted. I don't know why, but I'm not questioning it either -- I'm taking these good days as they come.

It's not all fixed. Roland, still. But even he has faded, a little -- into the background, not so imposing. I want to overcome that, I do -- sleep is sometimes the worst part of the day, when he gets in my head the most -- but I want to ride this piece of happiness, of calm, just a little longer. Just a little more.

Things are quiet at home, too -- a good kind of quiet, settled, soft excitement. Lily will be here any day now. I can't wait to hold her, but even more, I can't wait for Jackie to hold her. She's been through a lot during the pregnancy, but I know the second they put our daughter in her arms, she'll know it was all worth it.
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Ben Sullivan
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 23, 2014 4:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

She's perfect.

During hard days, bad days, I need to remember this.

Jackie did so well -- is doing so well. She got through a really long labour and only yelled at me a few times during. Didn't take it personally -- if she wasn't hurting so bad, her bratty sarcasm when I was being encouraging would've been pretty funny. (Okay, it still was funny.)

But now that we're home, everything is just... It's like a dream. It's like some dumb perfect dream. Lily is beautiful, Jackie is a natural, really -- and she's beautiful too, beautiful to watch her be a mother to our daughter. I love her even more now. Didn't think that was possible. Even Adam is more cheery than he's been in weeks. Miracle.

I usually am pessimistic about things like this. I don't let myself get too comfortable. Things get taken away from me so easily, so quickly. But I'm letting myself want this. I'm letting myself believe it could stay like this. Maybe I get a happily ever after after all.

It could be. Things are so quiet in my head -- it could be.

Is this all it takes? Being at peace with myself? The pieces I've found might never go back together, but that's okay. If there's one thing Jackie's taught me about myself, it's that it's okay to be broken. It's okay to not be whole. I'm here and real -- and I'm good. I am good. I deserve this, and I can have this -- a family, a wonderful son, a beautiful daughter, a wife I never thought I'd find.

It's too good to be true, but it is. It's real.

And I don't question that anymore.
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Ben Sullivan
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 01, 2014 6:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Waking up hungover, sleeping in a car that is not mine in the driveway of the house I used to be renting here -- not good.

Waking up alone -- good.

Waking up before anyone noticed I was there -- even better.

Not making it home last night...

Can't win them all.
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Ben Sullivan
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2014 2:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lily is almost two weeks old. Every day, I'm thankful for her. Every day.

I'm going to miss her, when I go back to work. I'll just have to make the effort to be here when I'm here. I don't want to miss this, my little girl growing up.
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Ben Sullivan
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 16, 2014 12:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I tend to do that a lot, don't I? Predict my own problems?

Not that it's been a real problem so far. Being switchy continues. More at home than at work or anywhere else, which is... it's not really normal for me. Not how it usually goes. Home is usually where I'm calmest, where I feel safest, so if there's anywhere I can stay me, it's there.

And it isn't like home isn't still my safe place. I don't feel triggered after, I don't have the headaches or other signs. Don't feel slow to be all here again. Just little moments I'm losing. Jackie hasn't mentioned it at all, even though it happens around her sometimes -- maybe it's been so subtle she hasn't noticed. Probably that's it -- which is good. Maybe that's what this will be for me now -- just little lost moments, so short and unimportant that no one will catch on. Would be nice. Wouldn't be what Lily (grown Lily, from the other universe) described everything to be like, but like she said, there are infinite possibilities. Maybe in this one, they just go away again and I'm better.

Makes me wonder, though -- if they all truly go away, wouldn't I go too? As real as I am -- and I believe her, I do, that I'm real, real enough to be really real--

It just makes me wonder. Maybe I shouldn't wonder those things, though. Like she said -- brings us down paths maybe we shouldn't go down, at least not now.

Church soon. I'm still glad Jackie picked the one she did -- nobody ever minds if Lily gets a little fussy, and everyone just smiles when they see the four of us show up. It's not something I ever expected, to feel accepted there, to really appreciate that sense of community... but I really do.
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Ben Sullivan
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 18, 2014 1:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I want to be a better husband to Jackie than I was to Ella. To be a better father to Lily than I was to Adam.

Don't we all want that, though? To be better, to make less mistakes, to fix our flaws as we move along?

It might not even be completely accurate, what I first wrote. It isn't that I want to be better to Jackie than to Ella, or better to Lily than I was to Adam. I just want to be better, completely. I got this second chance (in more ways than one) -- I want it to be worth it. I want to prove I deserve it. I do deserve it. I deserve to be happy too.

I sort of invited Ella here to Rhydin to visit. Nothing set, nothing even close to concrete -- good thing, because I haven't mentioned this at all to Jackie yet. The last time I tried to talk to her about Ella, it turned into one of the worse fights we've had. I almost ended up sleeping on the couch. (Didn't, because we never do that, but it came damn close.)

Maybe I should wait to mention it until I hear back from Ella. If she isn't interested in visiting, then I can just avoid that conversation altogether, can't I?

And god knows I'm a master at avoiding.
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Ben Sullivan
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 27, 2014 2:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

So much has happened.

The house is either wonderful chaos or blissfully quiet. There's not much in between these days, and that's alright. I like it.

In the face of all these changes at home, so much else has stayed the same. Stasis. Routine.

That, I don't welcome as much.

At least it hasn't gotten worse.

My family is perfect. My children are perfect. My wife -- beyond perfect.

Now if only I could fit in a little better with everything I've been lucky enough to fall into. If I could be as good for them -- as good a father, as good a husband -- as they are for me.

New year around the corner.

Nothing stays the same.
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Ben Sullivan
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 04, 2015 2:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't know what's worse -- when I can hear them or when I can't.

Not that I ever hear them. It's never really like that, like schizophrenia, like auditory, like a hallucination.

Your thoughts end and his begin. Like that.

I went years without them. Years and years. Never heard a thing - never thought a thing.

Maybe that was why, when they came back, I could deny it so easily. Just blackouts. It had gotten so bad at the end of it the first time, hearing them all the time, that it couldn't come back so silently, right?

And then there's



Okay.

I never know if it's paranoia or if it's true or if maybe, just maybe, I'm finally winning. Maybe it's a part of the process. Maybe. Maybe. If there's even a process at all. As if I haven't abandoned it completely.

Hunter and Knox are both up. Good distraction.
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Ben Sullivan
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 13, 2015 10:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

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Ben Sullivan
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 17, 2015 9:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A name is just a name.

Things only mean what you make them mean.

Except for what they really mean.

He



I wish it was different. Wish I was. Wish I was.

But I am, aren't I? I am.

As real as you are. And he is. I had proof.

But at the same time, it's all in my head. Everything is. Even



I've been in the apartment more and more lately. Waking up there in the middle if the day.

I just need
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Ben Sullivan
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 27, 2015 12:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two years ago, it was my last night as a single man. I was in Georgia. My last trip outside of Rhydin - the wedding, the honeymoon, my last day in Vancouver.

I couldn't imagine how my life would be two years later.

I'm luckiest. No matter what else is happening - I'm luckiest.

Gonna make sure Jackie knows that tomorrow. Every day, but especially tomorrow.
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