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Confessions of a lost soul
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Arlene James
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 21, 2016 2:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I had a dream about water. Water and modeling, which is odd as I have never modeled for anything in my life. I have had dreams about water before, but each time has been different from the last except for one thing. In each of my water dreams there has always been a shadow of danger lurking about and I can feel it to my core, but Iím never scared. I know I could be hurt at any moment, but I face the danger with courage because I believe nothing can hurt me.

In this dream Iím modeling on a sandbar. The water is a murky blue and is so deep that no one can see below. Water splashes around me. Thereís a sense of unease because the water is known for shark attacks. Itís almost like Iím waiting for the sharks to come and get me. The uneasiness is soon replaced with exhilaration and confidence because just as I think a shark attack is coming Iím up and flying through the air. My fingers skim the water and I search for another sandbar. Iím looking for just the right one because it needs to be perfect. I know the sharks are still waiting beneath the water, but I simply just donít care.

Before anything else can happen I wake up. Luckily, I was still in my bed, but I wasnít drowsy enough to go back to sleep. I checked my phone to see that it was early morning and I had a missed call with a voicemail left. My first thought went to Daylin after the last voicemail from his mother, but it wasnít him. It was a ministry asking if I needed help. The ministry wanted me to call them back for spiritual guidance. They wanted me to come to a sermon.

I didnít listen to the message with disdain, but more of a wondering of why. I find it odd that Iíd receive such a message during a time when I have questions of my path. I used to hear how signs came during times of question, so maybe this was a sign that Iím headed in the right direction or that I need to pick a direction. Coupled with a dream, the voicemail leaves me thinking about my future.

Murky water in dream suggests my thoughts might be controlling how I feel about a situation and my thoughts could be negative. I need to try to be more positive or confident like in the dream. The shark waters could have so many different meanings. Being a model in a dream can be interpreted that Iíll have some sort of love affair leading to trouble, but I donít foresee that happening any time soon. The closest meaning I can relate to the dream is that I am nervous and have serious doubts about where Iím headed in my journey. Iím questioning what Iím doing and why Iím doing it. Iím unclear and doubtful that Iíll accomplish what I want.

All of these interpretations of dreams could be very true to how Iím feeling right now. I could also be looking for validation of how I feel and Iím using the dreams for that. Either way, Iím just glad I stayed in my bed and didnít end up in bath tub, lake, or somewhere else entirely. At least this dream is more interpretative instead of physical.
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2016 8:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another dream. Another memory in my head that I canít completely place if it was me or someone else. At least I woke up in bed and nothing else was amiss other than the purplish bruise just below the inside crook of my left elbow. Itíll fade over time just like I hope the memory of this dream.

Hilda called to say she was taking her son on an unexpected vacation, so Iíd have more time before I start my real work. She felt bad, but I told her not to worry about it. As a consolation, we met up and she paid me and gave me some money to purchase some things I think Iíll need to work with her son. We also talked about the terms of my work with her as I have no plans to stay employed by Hilda for a long time. Just long enough for me to get some more work done, save up some money, get settled (or not) and find her a good replacement.

It feels odd arranging work even though I know I wonít be doing it long term. But I always told myself I would not work as a nanny forever. I have other plans and Iíd like to see them fulfilled. I want to work more on my pottery and Iím okay if I work with kids, but maybe not as the nanny. Maybe someone a little different, but I always go back to my pottery and Iíve toyed with the idea of starting my own shop. I think thatíd be cool.

Arlene the shop owner. I wonder what Iíd name my store. Maybe I could teach classes. I wouldnít stop the other lessons and things I do, but itíd be kind of nice being able to make my own schedule instead of running on someone elseís.

Iím noticing that as I think of everything else I canít stop looking at my bruise. It just reminds me that I need to find a good healer, someone who wonít ask a ton of questions. I also need to find some good spices and herbs. I wonít look for the spices and herbs until I find a place though. I doubt the innkeeper would want her room filled with various scents. Besides, I donít want to have to transport it all when I do find an apartment.

Hereís to the search.
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 03, 2016 1:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

So Iíve finally found a place. It wasnít what I was expecting at all. I thought Iíd get some tiny apartment several floors up. The town seemed to have different offering than I assumed and I had more cash to spare than I realized (saving money since I knew the value of it came in handy).

I guess it made an ass out of me.

Itís an odd sort of place to live in, but I find the oddness charming because it looks like watchtower. Itís not so much in the city but on the outskirts. Sort of between the city and forest. I like that because I can look for natural growing plants and herbs. I might even be able to find some of the items I need to grind up my own spices. Less noise and less crowd, plus I like the scenery and having something beautiful to look at is important to me.

Iím going to use the top floor as the bedroom. Itís surrounded by windows and filled with lighting, but I love it. I can hang up curtains and throw them open to see the morning sun or the evening stars. Iíll be able to catch a cool breeze. The dream catchers will look beautiful along some of the windows and theyíll be in just the right spots to catch the sunlight, which lore says that is when the nightmares burn away. Iíll be able to set up some of my other charms as well. I took a picture to send to mom so she can see I will finally have a place to settle in.

On a side note, Hilda might not have need for me full time, which is fine. She might be moving to another town for work, so sheíll only need me until the move (if it happens). I have other things I can do as Iíve spoken with some shopkeepers about possible market work and I saw a poster up for a theater looking for performers. Iím not a dancer, but I can play instruments and pretend well so Iím thinking about applying for band work and maybe the acting. I also saw something about duels. Iíve been told I should try boxing to work out any frustrations, so maybe. They do have swords and magic too. I might try these duels out some time, but I want to work on my new place and see about this theater band. Itíd be nice to pick up music again.

All in all, this has been good for me. Iím still dreaming and waking up with the occasional bruise but nothing too serious yet. Now with finding a nice place to live I can start setting up my herbs, spices, and other charms that I need. It might curb things if they get worse.



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PostPosted: Sun Sep 04, 2016 3:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The first thing I had sent over from home was my guitar. I had learned to use one since I was child because my mother thought it would be good for me and my father found a good deal on a beautiful guitar. I remember practicing every day for hours on end and being absolutely horrible, but I didnít care. Playing the guitar was thrilling for me and it gave me something to do besides read books. Sometimes Iíd sing while I played and other times I just wanted a melody. As I grew older, I continued to play and even played in high school. I tended to play with less words and once the dreams started more vigorously I played more soothingly. Itís almost like I was reliving every dream through the strings of the guitar, so not all the melodies were soothing.

Now that I have a place Iím going to have my piano sent over. Itís not anything huge nor terribly expensive, but I can play it in my bedroom as I look out through one of the many windows. Playing the piano was more of a chore than the guitar. My grandmother taught me to play and she was strict. I remember when she used to hit her cane against the leg of the bench or do something else surprisingly sharp when I made a mistake. So I had to learn to be perfect on the piano. My love for playing isnít as strong as my guitar but I enjoy the piano greatly as itís just another extension of me.

Knowing these two instruments have helped me in my life greatly. In fact, I just received a letter from the Shanachie Theater. Iíve been hired to play on as a band member, which is what I wanted more so than being an actress in the theater. I can play other musical instruments but my preferences are guitar and piano, of which I am second to both and thatís fine. I donít need to be a first for anything, really. I just want to be me and do what I enjoy most. I want to enjoy my passions in life. This works out great since Hilda will eventually be moving and Iíll need a job.

It seems like my life is starting to get some order again. Iíve been out buying a few items for my new home and trying to make it more livable. My mother has confirmed that she has started shipping boxes to me so that I can have more of my stuff and I donít have to buy everything new. She said the family prepared a home welcoming box for me filled with items I might need. Iíll have to invite them out once Iím more settled and steeled for having the family around. I still need to find a herbs and spice shop, just in case I donít find what I need in the wild and until I start growing some of my own. I also need to find a good healer who isnít too nosy. Iíll ask around with some of the locals soon enough. I am grateful for the owner of the Pewter Leaf for letting me use her place for mail and receiving of my boxes. She even said sheíll have her nephew help with carting my boxes over to the new place.

For some reason all the changes has me thinking about Jeremiah. I donít know why and I donít want to know. I wonít contact him as Iíve been there and done that. He never answers, though I was a different person back then. He probably has changed too. Hell, for all I know he could be with someone else and I definitely wouldnít ruin that for him. I always wanted him to find a place for his heart. He seemed like he needed that. I justÖI donít know. I miss him. We always had this bond that seemed so mystical like we were meant to be connected. We have the same middle name just with different spellings and we used to be able to talk for hours on end just about random stuff. Then I donít know what happened, but we stopped talking. He got busy and I didnít want to beg for his attention. But thatís always been the way between Jeremiah and myself. He was the world traveler, the drifter, the explorer who knew everyone and did everything and I wasnít. I wasnít brave enough to go with him then, but I am now.

Iím doing what you wanted me to do, Jeremiah. Iím taking the leap and Iím being the explorer you wanted me to be back then. Iím just doing it without you. Iím doing it on my own terms, at my own pace, and on my own. Being the adventurer makes me think of you, Jeremiah, and our past but it doesnít make me regret the choices I made back then. All this adventure does is remind about how strong I really am.
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I spent a couple nights playing my guitar in the marketplace with a few other local artists. It felt so damn good to get back into playing. I embraced my guitar like a lover I hadnít touched in a long time. Gripping and caressing with the want of one who had been without for so long that I could hardly stand it. I didnít play anything over the top or anything I felt deep in my soul. No, the marketplace play was just for the practice and to see if I still had heart for the melody. I did and it was beautiful. I wasnít playing for the money, but people dropped coins and bills regardless. I offered my money over to the artists that were playing for money, but in the end I kept a little so it didnít feel like charity to them.

I have a few leads on some good healers who wonít ask too many questions. I also found I can buy most of my herbs and spices from the marketplace, though there are a few specialty shops around town that might sell more of my special needs stuff. Thatís good to know, but I wonít seek them out yet. For now, Iíll see what I can do on my own.

I had a dream about the dog I used to have when I was a kid. She was the sweetest dog. All black and curly hair. I swear when she barked at me I thought it was her nagging me about something Iíve forgotten about, and most of the time thatís what it was. She recognized words like if I said ďgoing for a rideĒ then she knew we were going to go walking and sheíd tilt her head with her ears up. She knew what ďdinnerĒ and ďtreatĒ meant. She always stayed with me when I was sick and would try to lick me, which I always thought it was her trying to heal me. I remember she loved her butt smack so much that sheíd run into me or anyone else just to have the top of her butt hit. She couldnít get enough of it. I think my hand would sting more than her rear end did. I miss her, especially when I go through the more difficult times in my life. Missing her makes me wonder if I should get another dog while Iím here.

Pets are a lot of work and time. Iím going to be working two jobs for a little while until Hilda moves and I donít know what the schedule will be like for the theater. I donít know that I can dedicate enough time to a dog or a cat. If I got a pet then maybe it could be something else like a snake or a turtle. Or even a fish. I definitely donít want a bird. I did the whole bird gig with my second employer, Maria, and it was a hot mess. No thank you. Iíll think about the turtle thing, though.
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2016 9:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

UGH. I donít know who or what it was, but I know the feeling. Itís that feeling of eyes watching you with more than a casual glance, but more a predator spying a prey. I hate it. And I donít mean the whole predator and prey scenario.

What I hate is that some person or being gets that look and passes it on to someone else. But you know what? How do you know you arenít the one being preyed upon? You get the look like youíre the snake about to eat the mouse, but maybe that damn mouse is just a trap for someoneís machete to come and chop of your head.

I didnít bother to see who it was nor did I care to look, but I am no prey. I may not look like Iím tough, but Iím stronger than I look. Besides, in this town, maybe I can transform or spew fire or hex someone. Maybe I carry the guitar around to eventually smash it into some poor soulís face and break fingers.

ÖOkayÖ..probably not smash the guitar as I donít want to buy another one, but Iím not opposed to breaking someoneís limb if I have to. Or hex. Or whatever I have to do to survive. Iím not a saint and Iím not a butcher. I am simply someone who isnít going to be afraid of someone else. I have lived through other terrors and continue to do so now.

Whoever you think you are, big olí baddie, you are nothing that I am scared of. Piss off. And maybe Iíll let you keep your fingers intact.
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 18, 2016 12:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

So I had a night that Iíve never had before. Donít get me wrong, Iím no saint but I usually donít engage in as much mayhem as I did with someone I just met. I donít think I ever was as destructive either. I mean, it wasnít like I tore down a building, but smashing a few abandoned glassware in some abandoned building was a bit of fun. I always heard it was a good way to relieve stress or some emotion a person is trying to work through.

I know Iím feeling some stress. I feel it in my neck and head. My muscles are tight. I feel that nagging in the back of my mind. Someone is reaching out and I donít know who, but then I never know who. Soon enough I know the call will reach the forefront and it will all begin. Iíll answer the call without knowing then Iíll be forced to deal with the consequences afterward. My sleep is already so poor, but waking up somewhere else instead of just with unexplained wounds is always worse to me. Especially if I wake up somewhere wet or muddy. Ugh.

I was about to crawl into bed after my night out but mom decided to call since I hadnít responded to any messages. Ugh. I had left my phone at home when I went out so she had gotten a little worried. Of course, I answered her ring because I assigned her a specific sound of wind chimes. She loves wind chimes.

The conversation started as it usually does. The pleasantries of how each of us is doing and she briefly talks about the family. She mentioned that she shared the picture I sent her of my new place. Some of the family questions my logic of my choice. Most of them think I should have been more practical and in the heart of town where I can be safe. They think Iíll have too much work to do to make it livable. Sometimes theyíre a bunch of judgmental wretches, I swear. I think my mom can hear the annoyance growing in my voice as I remind her that they donít need to bother with where Iím living as itís not where they are going to be. She then reminds me that they say these things because they care. Itís a battle of wills at this point because she doesnít want me to be mad at my family and I just want them to leave their opinions to themselves. If they had it their way Iíd still be at home puttering away with my usual work and being the good little girl they all remember me as.

I left home. Iím grown up. Iím going to be living a life that will have risk and Iím going to damn well enjoy all of it. Sure, the path Iím taking is unclear but the experience of the journey is all of the fun. At least my mom understands, for the most part, and she supports me. My mom just wants me to be safe because itíd break her heart if anything happened to me. She did remind me if I needed anything to ask. She also wanted to know if I wanted my wheel and kiln for pottery because I had loved the craft, but I declined right now. Iím deciding how I want that to go as my place is shaped differently and maybe Iíll have a separate smaller building made just for that so I donít have to worry about any of it. Besides, Iíve really been enjoying playing for the Shanachie Theater. Itís been so long since Iíve enjoyed playing music this much and making money from it, especially now that Hilda and her son are gone. My official nanny days are over and Iíve already moved on. I do that easily.

As for my new place, I donít know what Iíll do with it completely. I just love that itís different and reminds me of when I was a child. I used to climb the bank of my motherís garden. My father had pillars to keep it up and they had steps and an arching trellis for the grape vines. Beautiful strawberries lined the ground and fruit trees grew around all the mounds of dirt. Iíd stand there and pretend I was the princess waiting for my knight in shining armor to save me from the wicked king who kept me prisoner. Granted, I was always playing alone so no prince ever came but I didnít care and eventually the princess that I was would eventually sneak her way out of the prison, especially once I found some juicy berries to eat.

My house reminds me of that bank, especially when Iím out on the deck looking out at the land and can simply enjoy the scenery. The difference is Iím not waiting for some knight to save me. Iím saving myself. Itís not even saving. Iím living for me. Iím doing what I want to do and when. Iím taking the leap and seeing where I land. Iíve done it for others when they werenít strong enough, but while Iím awake Iím doing it for me. Besides, I just discovered an entrance that leads directly to the kitchen and was hidden from view because the house is designed by levels. Itís cool and unique. If I ever get tired of climbing stairs or it becomes unsafe because of the land then Iíll move, but for now Iím enjoying it. I doubt any of that would happen and the owner of the land said I could make additions or some changes because itís mostly unused. In fact, if I ever get enough money I could probably buy some of the land from him and completely make it my own.

Either way, after thinking of everything, Iím way too tired to think about any of it anymore. Iím hoping this isnít the moment when I have an episode because all I want to do is sleep. All I want to do is just be.
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 29, 2016 10:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

IÖdonít know. I just donít. I want to say heís found a way to me again, and it wouldnít be that surprising if he did, but I donít need this now.

With every generation there has been one to go. His kind usually chooses, no seduces, and she follows willingly. I didnít go. I didnítÖnoÖthatís a lie. I was seduced. I was tempted and we had that link. It was instantaneous. He knows and feels it, but I didnít go. I wasnít going to have someone decide for me and I wasnít going to be one those shells of a girl.

The girls who existed and walked amongst us, but you knew she wasnít there. You knew in the shadows that her beast was there holding the leash. I wasnít going to be someoneís pet or toy. I told him that and I tried to sever the bond, but I know I wasnít successful because he always had this way to weasel his way through and get to me.

I wonít be his pet. The dream was a memory of a time. I felt his touch and his kiss. We had the passion we always did and I relived the moments. They were so gloriously delicious, but I broke it before I went too far. Before it became too real and he sucked me in fully. Itíll be a matter of time before he comes at me directly. Nothing has changed. I wonít be the pet. I will be the one who breaks the chain.
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 04, 2017 6:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The stairs and ladders were everywhere. I was trapped in a maze. I knew he was there tracking me. I felt him but I couldnít see him. Every move I made then he made a countermove. We were in our game of chess, but it felt like he knew the moves I was going to make before I did. And he most likely did know. He had the kind of mind that was quick and could piece together the solutions to problems in the most inventive ways. And he knew me better than most.

I knew my sleep was fitful, more than any other time when I am living as someone else. This time, though, I was struggling to find the surface. He was dragging me further into the maze and the deeper I went then the harder it was for me to get out. He knew that. He knew weíd find each other there, but it was a matter of time and I think he wanted me a little off kilter so I couldnít resist as much.

He just doesnít know me as well as he thinks he does. Iíve changed since we last played out cat and mouse game. Iíve picked up some tricks and Iím much stronger than I used to be. I also picked up some lessons on swinging a bat from a masked bat wielding attitude. So I chose to swing my bat and break the dream maze he had me locked in. Iíll have to strengthen my protection spells and talismans. I feel like heís close and itíll be a matter of time until weíre face to face and the temptation will be at its greatest.
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 01, 2017 5:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

He made actual contact with me today. It was a moment, but it was enough to make me pause and catch my breath. It was one of those touches that was so feather soft, but jarring enough to cause me shudder. He didnít say anything or do anything overt, but he was there just brushing against the edge of my consciousness to acknowledge where I had been and what I had been doing.

I had been having weird dreams, but nothing life transporting. Just enough of my own self-doubts coming to the surface to haunt me. I swear he has this uncanny timing to surface just when I think Iím settling in and finding my footing then I might get just a bit of doubt and there he is. I donít know if he feels me that well or just has that ability to know, but it never fails and it makes me question myself all the more.

But I know I have to maintain my resolve. I canít let myself be sucked into the pull that he has. I wonít seek him out or call out to him in any way. It leads me into a world where I lose myself so completely that itís hard to ever recoverÖif recovery is even possible. Iím strong, Iím capable, and I know Iím better off with our worlds not colliding. Now I just need my heart and mind to release the hold on that final chain.
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 30, 2017 5:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My cousin is dead. They found her dead and with no certain answer as to the how. The why as to her death shall never be discovered unless someone tries to seek her out, but none would dare and I had lost connection with her long before I moved to Rhydin.

We had been close once. People used to say we were sisters. We never wanted the same things in life or never were the same person, but we could talk and trust. We had the best for each other at heart. There were times I wanted her confidence, beauty and bravery. People loved her and she could make friends with anyone and everyone. She had the largest circle of friends and people would do anything for her. I wanted to that person. The social butterfly, the commander of attention, and a person to be sought after. I was never and will never be that person. I simply just donít know how to be and I donít need to be.

I donít know when her world started to spiral, but I stayed by her and I tried my best to support her. If she needed someone to comfort her, if she needed money, if she needed a listener, or to escape then I was there. I stayed with her even when I didnít agree with what she was doing and I never passed my judgement on to her because her choices were not mine to judge. All I wanted was for her to be happy and safe. I wanted my sister, but I wasnít going to get her back and I had to let her go.

If she wanted people to hurt her then it was her choice, but I couldnít accept her letting them hurt me. My sister, the girl who had so fiercely protected me as a child, had left the door open and let me be violated. She broke my trustÖ.and for what? She didnít get money, power, or glory. She didnít get anything but continued pain. I stood strong through it all and I moved on and eventually I moved away. I didnít rage at her as I wanted to do. All I did was stop acknowledging. I broke the connections we had built and she was a nonfactor in my world.

My mother says I hurt her for that. She knew the trust would never be repaired and she wanted me to forgive, but I just didnít want to put the effort into the care it took to forgive. I wouldnít forget, but I just was too damn over it all to care. Besides, I had a life to build and remake. I had my own problems to deal with. I had my own demon to contend with.

They want me to try to connect to her in the realm of the dead. They want me to find some inkling of information. It takes me to a brink thatís hard to return from, but I donít know that Iíll do it. I donít want to do it. I donít want to know. I donít want to be involved. I would never have wished her death, but Iíve spent years just blocking her out from my life that I donít know that I want any part of her back in, even in death.
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