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Cockpit Confidential

 
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Patrick
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 12, 2018 2:10 pm    Post subject: Cockpit Confidential Reply with quote

Quote:
FROM: Patrick Richie <p.w.richie@rhy.rasg.mil>
DATE: Thur, Jul 12, 2018 at 3:34 AM
SUBJECT: On tonight's episode of 'As Rhydin Turns'
TO: Nohemi <henaghann@rhaven.net>



Hemi,

This might end up really long, so I apologize in advance for any rambling. I can't sleep.

But where to begin? I guess technically you already know the beginning. I'm pretty sure my pathetic breakdown last year is seared into the memory of all who heard about it or experienced it. Boy meets girl, girl likes boy. Boy is an idiot and ****s everything up. Did you know I still replay that scene in my head? It's like some horror movie I can't escape, stuck on a loop, playing over and over and over. What's that called? Residual embarrassment or something. I can't remember. I read about it somewhere (of course I did).

Which reminds me of another thing I read by Gene Sheppard. He said, "There are about four times in a man's life, or a woman's, too, for that matter, when unexpectedly, from out of the darkness, the blazing carbon lamp, the cosmic searchlight of Truth shines full upon them. It is how we react to those moments that forever seals our fate. One crowd simply puts on its sunglasses, lights another cigar, and heads for the nearest plush French restaurant in the jazziest section of town, sits down and orders a drink, and ignores the whole thing. While we the Doomed, caught in the brilliant glare of illumination, see ourselves inescapably for what we are, and from that day on skulk in the weeds, hoping no one else will spot us."

I wish I'd brought my sunglasses with me on that date. Then I wouldn't be suffering from all this residual embarrassment over crying about an ex in front of my date. What can I say? I have cornered the market in bad luck. You know who has my sunglasses now? Penny. Maybe I should get another pair, just to be safe, because I feel like the universe is plotting against me.

I finally found my way out of the quagmire of being fixated on my shortcomings, got myself to a pretty damn good place (I thought), and even worked up the courage to make my move (I kissed Penny. Contain yourself--we'll get to that in a moment). And what happens? Narcissus himself interrupts my working lunch to apologize for "his part in how everything went down." He couldn't even say the word cheating. I just wanted him to go away, Hemi. But he wouldn't. He had to get it off his chest or whatever. Assuage his guilt, I'm assuming. I could have taken the high road, but I didn't. Looking back on it now, I wish I hadn't stooped to that level. That's not who I want to be.

Who knows. Maybe Sal's right. I told him I didn't want to be a bitter, vindictive, angry person. I just wanted to be who I was before I met Ed. He asked me if I was sure that person hadn't always been there. Perhaps he's got a point. What if I'm actually a terrible person? How do I fix that? I guess I took a baby step tonight. Ran into some people on the beach and through the course of talking, realized the one girl knew Ed. There were other contributing factors, but obviously I left--and managed to do it without saying anything awful about him. I need a gold star or something. :P

I just need to remind myself it's not actually bad, that these two incidents are tiny blips in the grand scheme of Life As I Know It. Things have been amazing for me, actually. That whole issue with Penny being married? That got resolved! I'm pretty sure she owes some faerie a favor now, but that's besides the point. She's single, available, and still interested. And despite the fact that I have no idea what in the hell I'm doing, I kissed her and it was amazing and I thought my feet would never touch the ground again for how weightless it made me feel. That was two weeks ago. Unfortunately, I've let a couple things get to me, but on the whole? Holy ****. I didn't think I'd ever get back to this place. All I have to do is think about her and I get stupidly giddy. She holds my hand and it's like my heart wants to explode out of my chest with excitement. I'd like nothing better than to spend every waking second with her -- hell, I could be doing crossword puzzles in the same room as her and I'd be happy.

But it scares me a little, too, you know? I let everything get out of hand with Ed. I ignored my own principals to do what felt good. And maybe that would have been okay if it hadn't turned out the way it did. But the way I see it, all it got me was a broken heart because I gave everything to someone I didn't really know. I don't care what other people do. This is just how I feel about it. I just didn't think it would be so hard to hold back. Because... I kiss her and I don't want to stop. I'm just afraid that if I let myself get in too deep, I'll make a mistake. I'll **** it up somehow and end up regretting it. I hate that I look at my first relationship and regret everything about it, because even the good things are tainted by the way it ended. Penny is... I don't know. Words fail me. I don't want to regret her, no matter how it turns out. Does that make sense?

God, it feels like my head's going to explode. Tell me I'm not crazy. Tell me I'm not defective because I haven't ****ed around with a bunch of people like Zan implies. And tell me when you've got a free afternoon so I can come show you the ****ing awesome car Penny's best friend gave me.

-Trick

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