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Livin' Faster Than My Angels Can Fly
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Jackie Sullivan
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 28, 2012 1:01 pm    Post subject: Livin' Faster Than My Angels Can Fly Reply with quote

November 28th, 2012

I've never been one for diaries. Or I guess a journal, Ben kept makin a face when I was callin it a diary. I think I'm gettin ahead of myself. Let me try this again...

Last night Ben came over so we could unwind. We were hunkerin down, but before I could start the movie Ben got a lil fidgety an pulled this on out. It's just a simple sorta thing, blue on the outside with lined pages. Nothin' fancy. I didn't get it at first.

Ben told Chey about himself and his boys. So now I know, Harper knows, an Chey knows. I can't much talk to Harper about this stuff because she talks to Ben on a different level when it comes to it. Chey I can open up to a lot more, really tell her what's on my mind without her battin a lash. That's how it's always been for us.

But Chey ain't around this week. She's in California visitin Austin and Ben is worried cause I'm still keepin it all in despite his best efforts. So he gave me this lil book and told me I should try gettin it all off my chest, even if it ain't to another livin soul. He said he writes, about anythin and everythin. He said it helps him to get the thoughts out of his head.

So, here I am. Tryin to figure out what I've got goin on in my head...

I guess all this started because of Thursday, but came to a boil on Sunday. I wanted to talk to Ben about him tellin Chey. I was blindsided by it and wanted to know exactly what he told her and why. I guess the why I could have figured out. Thursday night, Thanksgivin, when I was in a house filled with my family, I got a pocket dial. Not from Ben, but from Harry. He was with some girl in a bathroom. Keep it classy, Harry.

It wrecked me and I had no one to talk to about it. I had to put on this goofy smile and act like I was fine. I told Ben that on Friday when he came over. I also told him to leave. That I couldn't be around him while I sorted it all out, tried to make sense of it. He hated the idea of me bein alone, but I guess he understood why I had a hard time bein round him. Maybe? He might have understood, but he didn't like it. He ended up leavin. I figure now that him tellin Chey is so I don't gotta be alone no more.

The text was short and sweet. We need to talk. I'm comin over. Well, maybe a little too short and not sweet enough. When I showed up to Ben's he hauled on into the apartment by the wrist. I should have known right there it wasn't Ben. I always get so mad at myself for not realizing when I'm looking Sam in the eye. Or that time I accidentally kissed Harry.

Ben doesn't get it, but how could he? He doesn't see them, or hear them. I don't even think I would get it if I didn't witness it for myself. They all obviously LOOK like Ben, but the way they look at me is different. The way they talk, carry themselves, the way they move, how they sound.

As Sam always does, he said the worst he could come up with. How badly I mess with Ben and how he would be better off without me. He pushed on other things, private things, things I didn't realize would get out from between Ben and I. There really are no secrets, are there? But he got me so mad I slapped him.

I have hit Ben more than I would like to ever admit. Though, it was never Ben. I've punched Harry. I've now slapped Sam. It's got the usual exhilaration that comes with violence against someone who pushes your buttons in all the wrong ways followed by the guilt of doin that to someone you care about. In short, it's messed up.

But I slapped him. And in turn he got me up against the wall by the neck. I got the bruises still. They're worse than I imagined they would be, but I cover em every mornin and touch em up all day. It's not somethin I want people seein, to get the idea that maybe Ben did that to me. It's not somethin I want Ben seein. It ain't even somethin I wanna see.

Sam, in all his glory, brought Ben back in the middle of it all with his hands still around my neck. He had kept tellin me to leave and I told him not until Ben tells me to. Was that his hope? That Ben would be so shaken that he would tell me to leave for my safety and his sanity?

Didn't work. Not gonna work. Even though sometimes it's hard to separate Ben's hands, lips, body from Harry and Sam's... them actions aren't his. He wouldn't do that to me, I can say that with confidence. Sure, he might have punched a wall afterward outta frustration, but there ain't a moment since I've known Ben that I can ever say I've worried about HIM layin a hand on me outta anger.

All that said, things ain't perfect. Like I mentioned before, it is sometimes hard distinguishin between Ben's body and Sam's or the others. I mean, they're the same so can you blame me? Ben couldn't look at me with the sort of disgust that Sam does, but it's still them blue eyes that're always lookin back at me one way or another.

We're okay though. We're gonna be okay. It's just gonna take time, a lotta work, and it's never gonna be easy. But I know deep down it's gonna be worth it.
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 04, 2012 1:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

December 4th, 2012

Sometimes I don't know how I should take things. should I just take the good as good and not let the worry sink itself into the back of my head, or is there somethin naive about that? I'm wonderin on this a lot today cause of some amazin news Ben told me last night.

He's been sayin everythin has been quiet since last week which is more than fantastic. well, what else is good bout it is that it has made Ben confident enough to say that he wants to come to Christmas at my Mama an Daddy's house!

This is somethin I've thought a lot about, wantin it to happen, but I figured it wasn't gonna be possible for years. I was willin to wait that out, take it lil by lil. But here it is with Ben sayin he wants to give it a try.

I was excited, easily. But now I'm worryin that maybe I should have held back a lil? What if between now and then somethin happens with Ben where he don't exactly feel he can properly travel but he don't want to let me down? I told him he had to be careful and he agreed, I think he's smarter than that. I just don't want to put any extra pressure on him.

But it's so hard cause I'm so damn giddy! He said I get to tell Mama. I'm waitin until after work to make that phone call cause I know Mama is gonna keep me on the phone for a long while. I haven't really told her about Ben yet. I might have mentioned a guy in passin, but I didn't get too far into details.

It ain't like I don't wanna talk bout Ben. I want my Mama and Daddy to know about him. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm proud to have Ben as my man. He's a good guy, treats me right, an most of all he makes me happy.

But it's a lil rough tellin yer Mama an Daddy bout yer boyfriend when you KNOW the first thing outta their mouths is gonna been "when's he comin' to supper?". I didn't want to dance around that and make it seem like he didn't want to come when he would if he could. And now here's hopin he can!

I'm a tangle inside, really. I go back an forth between bein over the moon excited and gettin filled with all sorts of dread. What if somethin goes wrong and it's because of Ben tryin to come to Christmas? I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

But Ben always says he has to do SOMETHIN. And this is somethin, ain't it? I can't hold him back and coddle him. He ain't that sorta man. And I just keep tellin myself throughout all of this that it ain't gonna be easy, but it's gonna be worth it. It's a good mantra to go by I think. Cause if this works out? Well, it's gonna be a good Christmas.
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 27, 2012 4:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

December 25th, 2012

I can't believe it's all come an gone. This is somethin I've been holding my breath over since the beginning of December and now here I am, Christmas night tucked in bed in my Mama's house just waitin' to head back to RhyDin tomorrow. I always say that it ain't goin to be easy, but it's goin to be worth it. I don't know what wise man said that, but I think it's one of my favorite lines ever. That's how I feel about this trip here an now.

The last time I wrote I was an equal amount of giddy an worried about Ben travelin with his condition an all. The closer we got to Christmas? The worse I got. I should have been writin it down, maybe tryin to get it all off my chest, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't put all them fears to paper and shine light on em. I know that's now how a journal is supposed to work, but what can I say? It wasn't goin to happen. I didn't even want to mention my fears to Ben. They came up maybe once or twice, he felt the same way, too. But we knew we couldn't focus on that fear. We had to try to stay positive and think of how good it would be when he made it on over to Georgia.

Imagine us when we're drivin along to the portal. I couldn't even go straight through it. I had to stop the truck, but I didn't have a thing I could say to Ben. He was just as quiet. What do you say in a situation like that? I still have no idea. We just held hands in silence for a long time. Maybe tryin to will each other to know what we were thinkin, how much we cared. The words were so close to comin out, but I didn't want to say them like that. Not as a last ditch sorta thing, a possible parting gift? I dunno. It wasn't right. I mean, he has to know. Maybe?

I'm gettin off topic. Anyway, we sat there for a long while until finally it was a moment of truth sort of thing. We had come so far so it was time. Said one last prayer of many from the last month and we went through. Once we were on the other side? That was it. It was no different than when Chey is with me or anything like that. He was right there sittin as perfect as he had been before. Well, we celebrated.

Anyway, once that was done the next hurdle was Ben meetin Mama and Daddy. I wasn't as worried about that as I was about the portal, to be honest. At the end of the day Ben is a good man who treats me right. I don't see how any parents would be upset about their daughter findin someone like that.

Okay, yeeeeah, maybe the age thing sort of got em at first because I didn't mention it over the phone. I mean, I told Mama he was a head detective back home in Vancouver. I don't think dipsh*t boys my age can pull theirs heads outta their a*ses long enough to manage that one.

It was a lil... tensiony at first. To put it lightly. But Ben an I did what we do best. We were us. We acted like we always do an maybe it put Mama an Daddy at ease. Moreso Mama, but that's just how Daddy is.

A lot of people pause about Ben and I. We ain't stupid. We know there's an age difference. It's not like we totally ignore it or anything like that. But it doesn't bother us. I care about him an he cares about me. We bring out the good in each other like people are supposed to when they're together. If it bothers other people for some reason? Well, they ain't the ones that gotta be round us all the time so they can pretty much shove it.

I'm gettin sidetracked again. We hung round Mama and Daddy for a long while then I decided to show Ben around the infamous Thomaston since he's heard so much bout it from me an everyone else. I wanted to show him all the fun spots I had memories about. He pointed out a lot of them consisted of me either hittin someone or me gettin hauled off to jail for a lil spell. I guess that's my idea of fun? It wasn't really intentional.

After all that I took him down to the fields way behind where Mister Herren lives. He's by far got my favorite stretch of land for stargazin and he never much bothers anyone for steppin foot on his land. Not one of them men that chase off trespassers with shotgun shells of rock salt, y'know? I had managed to grab every extra blanket in the house. It was cold as hell but it was worth it to curl up in the back of the truck and look up at the sky with Ben like that in Thomaston. It was a lil somethin I didn't realize would be so important to me until it was happenin.

Christmas Eve went off without a hitch. Rhett and Ford showed up. Things around the house eased up here an there. Somethin like that. Christmas Day the only hiccup was that Ben was surprised as hell bout goin to church. He didn't realize that was part of the deal. I know he's not a fan, but he didn't put up a fight over it. I don't think he disliked it as much as he thought he would. When it was time to sing I would lean over to share my bible with him and I could even hear him singin along to the hymns. It was nice. He didn't seem that upset about it afterward. The rest of the day went as smooth as any sorta family event would go. But I ain't really worried bout all that.

I'm waitin for Ben to show up. He's been sleepin' on the couch these last couple nights, but I have this feelin he's gonna come find me tonight. I mean... Ben traveled through that portal. Somethin' he didn't think he was gonna be able to do for the last five months. Hell, he tried it once and it ended in a mess. Yet here he is without a scratch on him. And I know I'm important to him or he wouldn't be sittin' here the last few days doin' the Christmas thing, smilin and laughin like this is exactly where he wants to be. But I ain't dumb.

Adam is out there an it would be pretty foolish of me to think that Ben is gonna be comin home with me to RhyDin. And I know I ain't gettin between that. I know I only met Adam once, but he's a good kid. Hell, any kid deserves to have his Daddy round him. Ben never made the decision to leave, it was made for him. Now it's gonna be his decision to go back. I know that's what's happenin. He ain't said a word to me about it, but I know it in my bones.

I guess that's the hardest part? Not knowing when he's gonna come back to RhyDin. It's sad, I can't lie. He's been a constant that I look forward to, but I ain't selfish enough to get between a boy an his Daddy. I've enjoyed the last few days with Ben more than I can explain, but Ben is gonna do right by Adam and that's the end of it. I don't know what that means for me an Ben in the future, but that's what needs to happen now.
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 12:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

December 28th, 2012

Readin over my last entry compared to where everything is now, so much has happened. I never would have expected it to go down like it did. I don't think it was BEST case scenario by a long shot. But I think I like how things are right now.

Ben left the day after Christmas like we knew he was. Took my truck to the airport an hopped a plane to Vancouver to go see Adam. He had to. I hitched a ride to the airport later in the day to grab my truck then I was headin back out to RhyDin. All I was lookin forward to was some quiet an sulkin. I got a heads up text from Ben sayin he made it, but nothin other than that.

Well, an hour or so later I get a call from Adam of all people. Ben gave Adam my number to call me in case of an emergency. He was havin a huge emergency an couldn't get hold of Ben. Adam, with all his damn determination, took it upon himself to try hitch hikin to see his Daddy. I'm assumin he was goin to Georgia? Maybe he thought he was there with me?

I tried to call and text Ben so many times I lost count. Finally, I had Adam tell me where he was... PORTLAND... and I turned round to head back to the airport. Flying. Again. Second time flyin and I hated it as much as the first. I lucked into there being a seat available, first class of all things. Tryin to offer me steamy towels. I just wanted to sit and stare ahead. Quietly remind myself why in the hell I was doin this.

When I got to Portland it was through the sheer grace of God that I managed to find the truck stop Adam was stranded at and he was okay. Someone was lookin out over him while he was there. He was quiet, he's always sorta quiet, but I think he was shook. Who wouldn't be? Hitchin was how I ended up in RhyDin. Brand new place, no idea where I was, alone. And I wasn't even twelve!

We made our way back to the airport an I continued tryin to get in touch with Ben. What was I supposed to do now? Was I supposed to take Adam back to Vancouver? It seemed sorta cruel to take him back to somewhere he was tryin so hard to get away from.

Maybe that wasn't right of me for Ella, but I've seen a few of the letters from Adam to Ben. It wasn't good. Actually, towards the end he stopped showin em to me. I know they hurt him and I think he knew they hurt me, too. Even if Adam ain't mine, I had only met him that one time, he's a good kid an he deserves good things.

Without bein able to get in touch with Ben I made the decision to bring Adam back to Georgia... then to RhyDin. We couldn't get a flight until the next morning. Adam and I stayed the night in the airport. It wasn't so bad. It was interestin to watch all the people comin and goin. Adam and I talked a lil, but I think he was too worried about bein in trouble with his Dad. Or he jus wasn't really that comfortable with me. Though, he did tucker out some point leanin against me. I don't think I remember sleepin. Maybe I faded out at some points, but I tried like hell to stay awake. I wanted to make sure he was okay.

Flyin for the third time was no better but I didn't let Adam know that. He didn't need to know that. We were as quiet as ever. I think he knew I was havin' a hard time gettin in touch with Ben and maybe he was as worried as I was. Maybe he was worried like me about what Ben would say when he found out Adam wasn't in Vancouver. Honestly, I was gonna be happy to get yelled at over my decision if it meant Ben was okay.

We landed in Georgia. Rode out to RhyDin bright an early. Adam slept the entire way there, through the portal. That was probably for the best because I didn't know how the hell I was gonna explain that. At my house Adam hung out in the livin room while I continued tryin to get in touch with Ben.

FINALLY. FINALLY he picked up the phone. I was expectin him to be in Vancouver. I figured he was back home havin a fit over Adam bein missin, him and Ella tryin to find him. Figured he was so focused on the task at hand he wasn't gonna answer. Nope, he was in RhyDin. Made it to his place in all of nine minutes.

He was so angry at first. Sad, depressed really. I can't blame him. Also drunk. The boys are back in town. He was steadily becomin infuriated because I kept telling him it would be okay and to pull himself together. I didn't want Adam to see him so broken like that. He was practically growlin, but so be it. I didn't want to jus come out an spill it. I barely knew how to. It was easier to jus show him that Adam was there an safe.

It was real nice them seein each other again. I don't think either of them was expectin it for a long while. Well, maybe Adam more than Ben. I think Adam is smarter than all us combined, really. After that I stayed jus long enough for Ben to sober up to make sure he was in order to watch after Adam.

Tomorrow I'm set on leavin em to have a day to themselves. It's been months since they seen each other and they need that time alone. It doesn't mean I want to see Ben any less or that I don't want to be around Adam. I guess now that Adam is here it's jus tryin to find some sort of balance. Ben still has to get in touch with Ella and tell her that Adam is safe. Who knows what she's going to say about him staying here. Her and I... we only met once and she sort of called me a whore. An slammed the door in my face.

Somethin about her has to be reasonable, right?
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 12:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

January 1st, 2013

HAPPY NEW YEAR! And holy cow, it's already been crazy as hell. A good sorta crazy though. Ben, Adam, and I have been spendin a lot of time together which is how it should be. But Saturday I got invited over for breakfast. It's sorta weird havin to be invited over to Ben's considerin for the last number of weeks he was either stayin at my place or I was stayin at his just about every night.

It's not me complain though. I understand why. I'm reeeally aware of myself in front of Adam. Or I try to be. Sometimes I'll slip a lil cuss in front of him (no F-bombs yet!). Other than that Ben an I aren't handsy with each other and I try to not butt in between em. That's Adam's place now. I'm just a guest. Plus side? He don't seem to have much problem with me bein around.

Anyway, breakfast had been really good. I brought over my DVD player and some vampire movies for Adam to watch. Horror flicks! Kid is okay with me! While Adam was settin' up the DVD player Ben and I managed to talk outside while he was smokin.

SIDENOTE: Really, smokin doesn't bother me. I'm around it enough at the bar that it doesn't faze me. Hell, I've been known to turn into a bit of a social smoker when I'm drinkin. But it's odd to see Ben smokin because that's always been a thing that Harry does. I even went outta my way to steal cigarettes from Harry so Ben didn't feel the wrath of em. Then he picks up the habit. It's just... interestin. Somethin to get used to. For a while at least. He's tryin to quit again now that Adam is here, but I think he smokes when he's stressed and well... Adam is here.

That's the thing. It's not that Ben ain't happy Adam's around. I KNOW he's happy as hell to have his boy with him. But he was a lil spastic at first. I managed to talk him down some even if I knew where he was comin from. It really is overwhelmin. But it's been a while now and they're both doin okay. All three of us are doin alright. I keep tellin Ben I don't want to be in the way and everytime he's assuring me I'm not.

We had breakfast Saturday, we went sleddin the next day cause I figured everyone could use some time outdoors where you weren't really expected to talk a lot. Just run round an act Canadian. And on New Year's Eve we celebrated together. I don't think I could have imagined a better way to ring in the New Year.

Adam was a lil more hyper than he usually is which was nice to see. The mix of the late night and a horror movie marathon. Ben even drank champagne with me. He said it was a special occasion. I didn't focus on it much then, but it was nice to know he felt he could have somethin in moderation. He's such an all or nothin guy that it's a good thing for him to learn to do somethin lil by lil.

I think I liked the fact that it didn't seem like any of us had to think too hard on it, spendin the evenin together. When we hang out, I think we have fun. I try to not step on toes, not get between them, but they do a real nice job of makin me feel welcome between em. But I don't think they have to put much thought into it either. I think we all sorta click and it's a really good thing.

It's somethin I'm really thankful for in 2013 and I'm lookin' forward to more moments like that in the upcomin year.

OH! I almost forgot! A lil after midnight Ben also gave me the next charm for my bracelet. A plane. It's for the time I flew to Portland to get Adam and he told me how thankful he was. It was really sweet. I love lookin' at my bracelet now and then, thinkin on all the memories it represents. We have so many good memories already danglin round on my wrist. I don't know what I'm gonna do when it's full!
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 1:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

January 5th, 2013

I've had a thought building in my head for a while now. It was a big thought, something about the future, and I figured that was where it was best to leave it. Something to deal with down the road between Ben and I. No need to rush it.

But Adam comin to RhyDin made us realize we can't really do that. We never talked about Ben, Adam, and I functioning together because we figured we had years before it would happen. Same thing with Ben comin to Christmas in Georgia. Never talked about it much until a few weeks leadin up because we thought it was a long ways off.

I'm now in the figurin that you shouldn't leave everything off until the last minute. Does it mean it has to happen right NOW? NO. Not at all, good Lord. But you gotta sorta make sure you're on the same page with each other or else you're in a world of trouble. Thankfully, we haven't had an issue like that, but I wasn't so sure about this one.

Last night I went over to Ben's apartment because Adam was at a friend's house. It should have been a quiet, romantic evenin but I promptly shot that to hell sayin I needed to talk to Ben about somethin. I'm sure he's gettin to hate them words from me.

Long story short, without gettin into the gory details, I asked Ben if he had only wanted to have one child in his life. Adam. I asked it, not because I'm lookin to get myself knocked up right now, HELL NO. But if he only wanted the one kid he had, there was gonna be a problem. I do want kids down the line. I couldn't blame him for only wantin the one, but it didn't mean I would give up somethin I wanted.

We did talk it out. We were both really upfront about what we wanted, which was nice. It was a lil weird yet sweet, not that squishy, but nice to know exactly where we both stood in the matter. He said he would be willin to have more if the situation was right, if the situation was with me. An I said I wanted that sorta situation, too.

I always feel like I'm gushin over Ben, but I can't help it. He's got so many good qualities and he treats me right. He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me want to break out of what I'm comfortable with and to experience new things.

Hell, that was the whole point of leavin Thomaston to begin with. If I wanted to be a tender all my life, hitched to some roughneck with a bunch of babies, I could have done that. Hell, I could have done that easily. But that wasn't the life I wanted. I wanted to get away from everyone back home who knew me and had ideas about me before they even talked to me. I wanted to get away from my family always treatin me like I'm a baby who don't know what I'm doin with my life.

Have I made mistakes? Hell yeah I have. Tons of em and plenty more to follow. But they're my mistakes and they're all gonna be my triumphs too. Every single one of em.

And I'm not so blonde or stupid that I'm not fully aware of the issues that Ben has. Him and his boys. I don't think of the future by sayin, well, maybe by then they'll be gone. He said they went away for years before. A lil after Adam was born.

I don't plan on those days comin back. I'm lookin at Ben with his boys included when I tell him that he means the world to me. They're not his fault. They came about because Ben was in a bad home with a bad family and that was the only way he could cope as a lil boy with such horrific things.

Yeah, I was big on him gettin better before, in whatever sense of the word. He needed to get better to get back to Adam. That was important to him. Now that Adam is here? His sights can realign and whatever he decides I'll support him on it and try to help him in whatever way I can. I always feel a lil lost talkin about his boys, but Ben tells me I do good. Real good. So that's enough for me. Maybe I should look into readin up more on this sorta stuff? Ben used to do research all the time on it. I wonder if they have books for people dealin with other people with these sortsa things going on.

Whatever the case, I'm sure of this. Ben is not defective. And more importantly, he's not contagious or somethin'. The issues that Ben has, I don't for a second believe will get passed along to our kids. The issues came about because of outside problems. He wasn't born like that. They made him that way. And I know he's a damn good father and will be an amazin father to my kids if the time comes because I believe he will go out of his way to make sure whatever kids we might have will have a good childhood an a lovin home. The things he didn't have.

Ben takes the bad things that happened to him and he somehow has managed to use them to help mold him into a good man. A lot of other people would use it as an excuse to be lowlifes, but he uses it as a reason to be better. And that is just one of the many reasons why I love him.
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 1:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

January 7th, 2013

My Sunday habits always include goin to church. It doesn't matter what sorta hell I raise on Saturday, Sunday morning you can bet my butt is gonna be in a pew. That's how we were raised growin up and it's not a habit I'm lookin to break. I like going to church. I like the people, feelin like I belong somewhere, and a lil extra insight to start off my week.

Ben... does not have a relationship like that with church. It wasn't somethin he was raised on and considerin the hand he has been dealt throughout his life? I can't say I totally blame him for bein a lil glass half empty bout it all.

We've had discussions before about forgiveness and what someone has to do to be forgiven by the Lord. He didn't much like that idea. That someone can say they're sorry and still get past them pearly gates. I told him it was a lil more complicated than that, but I didn't dig too deep on his situation. We have skirted it a lot, but it's not somethin we go to town talkin about. Them boys came round so he didn't have to remember. Why am I gonna pick as a scab that ain't healed?

When we were talkin about it I shifted the conversation some. Instead of focusing on forgiving someone for their benefit, sometimes it's a matter of doin it for your own sanity. Sometimes forgiveness isn't saying "what you did was okay". It's saying "I'm going to be the bigger man between us." Sometimes it's saying... I won't think about you ever again. Forgiveness lightens the load. Guilt is what weighs people down, lingers in the back of their brains for a lifetime.

Well, Ben said he and Adam wanted to come to church with me to see what it was all about. Adam liked it a lot. He went to the youth group and met even more kids. And from what I hear he didn't even toss much of a fit when it came to getting dressed. That's a miracle in itself.

Ben on the other hand... I asked him today what he thought of it all and he said he's still processing. He doesn't want this to become a band-aid or something he can use as an easy fix for his problems. That God has a plan and it means he doesn't have to try anymore.

I understand where he's comin from and I couldn't give him much more insight right now. He still needs time to take it all in and he needs to be the one coming to conclusions on it. My beliefs and his beliefs don't see eye to eye, so maybe I'm not the best one for him to work it out with. I'm not good at bein neutral all the time. Maybe after a few more visits, because he did agree to go again, there could be someone he could talk to. I know he talks to a therapist about his boys, but I think the other answers he's tryin to get might need to be asked of someone else.

I'm trying to not meddle! I will not meddle. I will assist, but not meddle!

After church Ben had more places to look at for him an Adam. They both need their space. This is especially true because I guess Adam was coppin a bit of an attitude Saturday. So much so that Ben had to flee leaving Adam in Hayley's care for a few hours while he found sanctuary at the bar and then my house.

To help out on Sunday I planned a day for Adam and I. That way Ben could go off freely to look at places while I kept Adam out of his hair and content. It actually turned out to be a really good day if I may say so myself!

First, I dragged his butt outside to make a snow fort. He wasn't feelin it at first. At all. But I didn't care and I was chuggin along makin a wall. I was pointin out where I was going to put my reclining seat with a cup holder. After a while he started comin out of his shell more and before we knew it we had ourselves a nice lil place.

He wasn't bothered by the cold (FRICKIN CANADIANS), but I was. That's why I was prepared with indoor activities as well. We spread out Legos all over Ben's livin room and were practically buildin the entire city of Gotham. It as impressive! That and hot chocolate made for some perfect bondin time between Adam and I. He still shrugs at me a lot, but at least he tends to follow the shrugs up with more verbal answers.

It's somethin to keep workin at, but I'm confident somethin good will come of it all.

I hope Ben feels the same way about what he's workin on.


Last edited by Jackie Sullivan on Sun Jan 27, 2013 12:16 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 27, 2013 12:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

January 12th, 2013

Yesterday was another one of those days when Ben sprung an event on me. I thought fancy people were supposed to be more on top of things, but I suppose since he's so new to the scene that they don't think of invitin him until late? Yeah, he's part of the scene, I guess? It's an interestin one for sure.

I didn't have anythin in my closet fittin the bill, didn't have to be a gown but sure as hell was more than my Sunday best. All that matters is I managed and I got one of them goofy looks out of Ben when it seems like he forgets how to make words for a lil while. I like them looks.

This party was different from Lydia's, I could pick that out the moment we got there. People were younger than last time, so that was nice, I think. Maybe not so many younger guys, but there were girls round my age tossed into the mix. I'm not sure if that made me more or less nervous.

I mean, at least I didn't stick out as badly as I did at Lydia's, people wonderin' what the hell I was doin there. But on the other hand, the girls that were at this party? They all jus fit in so well. They click. That is where they belong. I felt like a fish outta water.

Ben never seems to feel like that. He's so smooth with these people. Knows the right things to say, what to do, how to act. I somehow managed to fake my way through Lydia's party because I figured it was a once in a lifetime deal. Here, I was more quiet than anything. Worried I was gonna say the wrong thing. But it's like Ben belongs with these people, too. Wasn't expectin that by a long shot.

We met this one couple at our table and talked to them throughout most of the night. Richard an Claudia. Richard is a few years older than Ben from what I figured. Claudia seems to only be a few years older than me, too. Richard seemed nice enough. Really into business. Whatever him an Ben were goin on about went over my head. Claudia was nursin an entire bottle of wine to herself. My kinda girl.

Really, aside from me being quiet and THAT bein such a weird feelin, the night went along fine. Dinner, dancin, the usual. Right, listen to me. The usual. Like there's anythin usual about me bein there.

On the plus side, today is much more my level. Ben an Adam are movin into their new house. It's a real nice lil place, Ben did such a good job findin it for them. Thankfully, they ain't got a lot of stuff to move there. After we work our butts off we're going to be eatin pizza while sittin on the floor. Now THAT is my sorta party.

I ain't bein mean though. I really am proud of Ben. Proud that he's in a position where he can do these sorts of things. Get a house. Be invited to things by clients who like his work and want to show him off a little.

But sometimes I think back to when I first met him. When he was stayin in that attic, not really havin much of his own. I feel like Ben has changed a lot since then. He's done a lot of growin. Maybe I have, too. But... what's he growin towards these days? And I guess my big question is, am I gonna be able to keep up?
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 27, 2013 12:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

January 16th, 2013

The last few days have been amazingly calm. Am I supposed to worry about the calm? Part of me wonders if it's supposed to make me nervous while I anxiously wait for the other boot to drop. But that's no way to live, is it? I would rather enjoy the peace as it comes. Revel in it an hang onto it when I need these reminders of how good things can be. Maybe that's the balance, enjoying it all without getting so lost as to think the hard days aren't on their way eventually.

The last three days I've spent the evenings over at Ben and Adam's house. I mean, I don't stay the night. But I stay there until it's time for everyone to start turnin in for bed. That's been an interestin adjustment with Adam's arrival. Havin to go home at night, stayin in my own bed by myself. I was spoiled before, I'm aware.

A lot of time with Ben an Adam is just tryin to help Adam adjust. To RhyDin, to his new home, makin sure he's adjustin to school and with his friends. And makin sure he's takin me an his Dad bein together okay. I think he likes me. He never seems to have a problem with me bein around and we had fun gangin up on Ben in Uno Monday when we had a game night.

It's just a balancin act I never had to deal with before. I never dated anyone that had a kid. But I told Ben that if Adam was a deal breaker I never would have texted him in the first place. I like Adam and I'm real happy he's around now. I just want him to feel the same way about me. I never much imagined somethin like that would have ever been important to me, but it is.

Tuesday I picked Adam up from school, took him to his place, and made dinner. That's been somethin we've been doin if Ben is runnin late at work. It's... weird. Not a bad sort of weird. It's just one of them things that make you go HUH. Pickin a kid up from school, havin dinner on the table. It ain't bad?

Tonight was my pole dancin class and it was by far my favorite yet! I left there without a mark on me! I kept tellin Ben I wasn't goin to show him anythin I've been learnin until I left class without a bunch of bruises or whatever. I didn't want to make a fool of myself in front of him. But now that I did it? Well, looks like I got some plannin to do.

After class Ben wanted me to stop by so he could tell me some news and give me a present. He gave me minimal hints but I was able to figure out that the present was a new charm. I love gettin charms! Ben always puts so much thought into what he's goin to get me and they're always for the best moments. This time around it was a lil silver heart because we both said I love you to each other. I think it might be my favorite, but I have so many it's hard to pick!

Then was the big news an, holy hell, this is huge! Ben and I have been musin on the idea of goin on vacation. It was somethin to text on while we were both bogged down with work and wanted to think happy thoughts. Thinkin about us on a sunny tropical beach managed to chase my winter blues away.

The downside was that Ben an I have been so busy lately that we could barely do more than dream on it. We had no idea where the hell we could go, somewhere Ben could actually travel to, and somewhere that fit the bill of what we were lookin for.

Well, someone was smilin down on us because Ben got around to callin that Richard guy from the Winston party and come to find out Richard is goin to let us use his vacation home? I have no idea! Ben was actin like it was all part of bein wooed for business. I get stoked when someone gives me a twenty as a tip! But I ain't lookin a gift horse in the mouth. It was really nice of Richard an all he asked for in return was Ben an I to have dinner with him an Claudia when we get back. It sounds too good to be true. I'm so happy I can't even get nervous about havin dinner alone with them... yet.

Ben and I will be leavin on Sunday an gone for about a week or so. We're goin to be flyin on a private plane. I still hate flyin and I don't know if a private plane is goin to make me more relaxed or more nervous. At least I'll have Ben with me this time around and he can distract me.

I think this will be good for us. A little time away for jus Ben an I. Nothin to worry about. Nothin to think about aside from whether we want to swim at the beach or in the pool and what we want to eat and drink. It doesn't hurt at all that I get to live in bikinis throughout majority of the trip!

Honestly, I'm slackin on searchin through my summer clothes to write this entry. I should probably get back to it.
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 27, 2013 1:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

January 20th, 2013

It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. Ben and I leave early tomorrow mornin for our vacation. The place is called Fantome Island. I'm not even sure what to expect, but I'm excited. I feel sorta like when I was a kid and it was the night before the first day of school. When you're buzzin with energy and you can't sleep no matter how much you're willin yourself to.

Ben isn't havin an issue. And that's a big deal! Ben is here stayin the night. Oh my gosh! WELL, see? Now I'm failin hard because I got myself excited and I know I really won't be able to sleep until I jot this down. I'll just run through it all real quick.

Friday night Ben an I had a date. Dinner an dancin. It's sorta really cute he likes takin me dancing. Usually when guys would take me dancin it was to a honky tonk. Nope! This is honest to God like, I don't even know what you call it. But it's close, personal, cheek to cheek, an I love it. After dancin we went to Ben's house.

Y'see, Hayley has been watchin Adam like a trooper. Actually, I think she really likes it cause come to find out Ben buys her booze and pays her really well everytime she does. Considerin she was previously worried about missin out on her waitress tips and now I never hear a word about it, I guess she's doin okay.

But anyway, Hayley watched Adam at our house on Friday. Between Chey, Hayley, an I we had one guest bedroom left so I passed it on over to Adam. I told him that he could do whatever he wanted to it and he was really excited. I figured it would be good for him to have a spot of his own there. That way when Hayley watches him here it's like he's at a home away from home.

So since Hayley and Adam were at my house Ben and I could stay the night at his house. I missed that a lot, sleepin in bed with him at night. I mean it, the actual sleepin part. It's so nice fallin asleep to him an wakin up to him. When we did wake up we had... pancakes. REALLY good pancakes.

It was over breakfast, actual breakfast, when we decided that we should have a really good last evenin in RhyDin, all three of us. An we would have it at my house to make the transition a lil easier for Adam when it came to Ben leavin for the week an him bein with Hayley stayin at our house since it would be easier for all parties involved.

So, tonight we had an amazin dinner all three of us made together. We watched the hockey game. Even had cake! Then everyone turned in and the best part is that there wasn't any flack about it. Ben made sure Adam was okay in his room, told him that if he needed him he would be right down the hall in my room. Adam didn't even bat a lash. We won't be makin a regular habit outta this for Adam's sake, we like to watch ourselves around him and not get too touchy feely or over the top. But it's really good to know that when push comes to shove he doesn't seem all that fazed by his Daddy an me bein together.

But that brings me back to now. Ben is in bed fast asleep. I thought maybe gettin some of my thoughts out would help me a lil. It's all a good sorta excitement. I don't think I have anything to worry about this week. I would like to think I don't. It should be a lot of relaxin on the beach. At least that's what I'm hopin for.

Ugh, it really is late. I don't even think I'm makin sense anymore. Time to go stare at the clock an hope I pass out before we're supposed to wake up!
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 27, 2013 6:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

January 27th, 2013

I had brought my journal along with me on vacation in case there was anything to write about, but not a single thing came up. The week was so peaceful an fun! It was just Ben and I. An I really mean that, just Ben and I. As far as I know he didn't have a single incident of losin time, not a one. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised since a lot of it is stress based and there was nothin to stress him out. Aside from me wakin him up too early for his tastes now an then cause I wanted him to play on the beach with me.

That's all majority of it was. Drinkin fruity drinks (I got so good at makin em), buildin sandcastles, layin out on hammocks, layin out in the sand, watchin the sunrise from the front porch, watchin the sunset from the water. There wasn't a single soul round aside from us an it was perfect.

The only time that we ventured to the mainland was on Friday. It's called Kahili Bay. All Ben had to do was call someone up... okay, yeah, I forgot. There were a couple of these people, so I guess the 'not a single soul' thing was wrong. There was this real nice woman who would bring groceries and prepared meals when we wanted. SPOILED! I guess it makes sense for Richard to have some staff on hand? Anyway, Ben called someone and they showed up with a pretty, sleek black car to drive us off the Island about an hour or so away.

Kahili Bay was such a sight! So many restaurants, shops, cafes, and people. Apparently this is where they were all hidin! Ben kept talkin about me goin shoppin in Kahili for some dresses an shoes to stick in my closet so the next time an event comes up I'll be more prepared. That was fine an made a lot of sense to me. Considerin what the place was like I figured findin some fancy dresses and shoes would be a cake walk.

But what I wasn't expecting... Well, at the very first place I found a real nice blue party dress. Fit like a charm, sexy without bein too over the top. Ring me up! At the register I was pullin out my wallet and Ben literally like, what is that sound people make? It was like tskin and he gave the cashier his card. I knew he wanted me to go shoppin. Was NOT expectin him to pay for it.

I bit my tongue until we got out the door because I didn't want to cause a scene or nothin. Told him he shouldn't have done that. Didn't have to. That I could pay for myself. He didn't seem all that bothered by my huffin, more amused than anything, but he said it was what he wanted to do from the beginning. That I was gettin the dresses to go places with him so it only seemed fair he pay. And that he wanted to gift them to me. I tried to put up a fight, but it was one of them times when Ben really wasn't havin it. For the most part he'll take in what I got to say, we'll compromise on stuff, but nope. This was just the way it was going to be.

I was sorta uncomfortable goin into the next store, but Ben helped to ease my worries and to make it a lot more fun. I figured he was going to be bored all throughout shoppin, but he didn't seem to mind so much. In the end I ended up with three party dresses, three pairs of heels, and one gown. I'm barely even sure how much it set Ben back because nothin had tags and they don't really announce your total to you like they do at the gas station. I guess if you gotta ask you can't afford it?

I'm still sorta torn about all of that. It didn't bother Ben. He wasn't even battin a lash. He would just smile at me, kiss my temple, an carry on. I guess I should just move on as well so I don't come off as a brat sourin a gift.

After shoppin we went out to dinner an more dancin. Ben is a good dancer! We stayed late in the city and made the most of our last night when we got back to Fantome Island. Saturday mornin I was split down the middle. Part of me wanted to stay on that lil island forever. But another part of me really was homesick. I missed everyone and I know Ben was really missin Adam. We got our things together and that pretty black car took us to the airport to leave. Flyin is no where close to bein my favorite way to travel, but I will say that it's a lot better when I get to do it with Ben. That helped me a lot.

Once we got back in RhyDin we hit up my house to get Adam. He was so excited to see Ben and he was all in one piece. Hayley did a really good job! Ben, Adam, and I went back to their place so we could catch some dinner together. Before I left I told Hayley to get herself dolled up and prepped to go out for the evenin. Ben might have been payin her for her services, but I needed to thank her too. And there is no better thank you than a legit Jackie bar crawl.

After dinner I went home, got Hayley, and we hoofed our way around town for an amazin lost night. This mornin I asked Hayley if she was interested in goin to church with Ben, Adam, and I. She groaned and marveled at how chipper I was after the night we had. Girl should know by now that I'm a professional! But I set her up with some hangover tonic and Tylenol an let her sleep. She earned it. The Lord would understand.

Now I'm jus hangin out at home. Procrastinatin while I unpack and adjust to bein back in the real world. I have to say, I was sort of nervous with Ben an I comin back. It felt so good to go an entire week without him losin any time. It reminded me of December when his boys went into hidin for a while. But I know I can't grip onto them quiet times so hard. I can't expect that to be a constant thing. It's a gift when it happens, but it's not somethin to ever count on.

Ben is how he is and that's how it's goin to be. Me bein with him is me acceptin that. I guess I feel sorta guilty when I get so happy over his quiet times. It's like part of me wants him to be... well, I can't say normal. Ben is normal. But not wantin his boys to be around is like me wantin to change him and that isn't right. You should never want to change the person you're with.

I mean, Ben would never want to change me. Right?
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 07, 2013 11:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

February 7th, 2013

I know full well I should have written about this around the time it happened. I guess I was just more interested in forgettin about it. But the way to get up and move on is to get this stuff out so it's not simmerin in the back of my head like this is.

Found myself a new friend, Peaches. She's nice as hell, fun, real good time! Straight off the bat her, another girl Jane, and myself decide to go to the strip club. A girl strip club! Not a boy strip club! No thank you!

Anyway, before the strip club I guess Peaches went to the Inn? Somewhere that she bumped into Ben. Except it WASN'T BEN. Goddamn Harry was out and about leavin his mark on the town and along the way he runs into Peaches. Peaches knows Ben, knows he's with me, we all met each other together.

So this poor girl is hangin round me all night thinkin my boyfriend I'm gushin over hit on her somethin fierce. Knowing Harry? I'm sure it was gross and over the top and ended with an indecent proposal.

After the club Peaches and I ended up at the Inn again and I had called up Ben tellin him to stop by to hang out for a while. Peaches was gettin all sorts of twitchy until she finally came loose with it all. Worse for her was that Ben told HER that they would talk about it later instead of me and I just said it was done and to not talk about it at all. She probably thought we were nuts. Oh, no, she thought we were SWINGERS. Ben said next time we should just go along with that. That's the bad part. Knowin that there might be a next time that we have to prep for.

The next day Peaches and I caught up at a cafe. I told her it was a huge misunderstandin, that Ben didn't mean no harm by it and he was sorry and that it was a bad joke neither of them were seein eye to eye on. Amazingly enough it worked.

I feel horrible. Peaches is a girl I could see myself gettin along with real well, we had a lot of fun at the club. More importantly, that's a person you want backin you! Someone who is gonna tell you the truth no matter what! That's what she did. And how do I repay it? Lyin. Like always.

But I'm not mad at anyone in the situation. I can't be mad at Ben, it's not his fault he ended up there and it certainly wasn't him talkin to Peaches. I of course ain't mad at her. Really, she was a good friend in this. It's a no win situation. Havin to get really used to those lately. Not a fan!
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 12:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

March 7th, 2013

I knew I had nothin to worry about. Or I should have known I had nothin to worry about. Okay, so maybe I sort of let what Claudia said to me at dinner get into my head much more than it should have. What does she know anyway? She and I are nothing alike. Even more importantly is that Ben and Richard arenít really anything alike, right?

When Ben and Richard went off to talk business it was only Claudia an I, sippin martinis an chattin away. I canít even remember all the nonsense she said to me. I was numb through most of it, taken aback and knowin I couldnít just haul off and hit her or tell her to go to hell like I would with anyone else runnin their mouths because it probably wouldnít end well for business between Ben an Richard. And once again, thatís why it managed to bother me so much!

She was callin me a beginner. I didnít get it at first for the life of me the way she was going on. She kept sayin how I did so well for myself for jus startin off and what a catch Ben was. I kept pressin her until it became clear what she was talking about. She considers Ben a man with money, power, makin connections, makin a name for himself. She pointed out how well he fits in. How heís not fakin it when it comes to bein part of this lifestyle. She said thatís Ben, through an through.

When it came to me she said I was just startin out amongst this circle, it was obvious but with time she felt like I could do good. She was sayin that bein in love wasnít enough for a relationship to last around this crowd. How she was wife number four and even though her an Richard care about each other thereís something more to it than that. Again she was sayin how Ben doesnít have to fake it to make it in this circle like I do. Apparently Iím not as good of an actress as I thought.

Iíve been havin issues with all this since it started. It was funny the first time at the gala. It felt like bein somewhere forbidden. Playin dress-up in your Mamaís clothes an minglin with the adults past your bedtime. I didnít take it seriously at all the first time we went to one of these parties. But then I realized they were gonna become a thing. That we were going to them more often. I started seein the same people over and over again. I donít know their names, they donít know mine, but I know their faces and sometimes weíll smile in passing because it seems thatís what you do. You might not totally fit in but youíre THERE and that means SOMETHIN. They donít know how you got behind the red velvet but you did so youíre in on it all.

Iíve been havin these doubts, worries that this is the sort of person Ben wants me to be. He fits in so easily with it all an he acts like I should be able to do the same thing so easily. JUST BE YOURSELF. Thatís what heís always tellin me when weíre in the car getting ready to go in. JUST BE YOURSELF. But what in the hell does that mean? I donít feel like I can be myself around those people, not the sort of girl that tends bars and loses weekends at a time. So I put on this little facade. Heels, dress, hair. I smile on cue, I laugh when Iím supposed to, I compliment everyone, and say just enough. And afterward Ben is so happy, he says ďSee? You did so good, sweetheart. I'm so proud of youĒ

But all I did well was pretend to be someone I donít think I am. I donít think thatís the real me. Is that what he wants? Is that what Iím supposed to be doin? I already had all these doubts and Claudia somehow picked them all out when we were alone, all the insecurities I have she pinpointed and brought to the surface! I got flustered real bad. I ended up snappin at her. I told her that Ben was hiring Richard, he was an employee, that in turn made her nothing more than a wife of an employee and I didnít have to listen to her speak another word. She made us each another martini and we sat in silence. I was disgusted in myself. I still am.

But that brings me to today and Ben. He woke up sick and I went over there to make sure he had everythin he needed. Went back after work to cook, help Adam with his homework, make sure both of them were alright before I went home. Seein Ben like that, adorable even though he was a lil helpless. So thankful for everythin I was doin. Sort of proud that I was able to step up and make things run smoothly. Happy even if he felt horrible. Thatís the Ben I fell in love with, that guy right there. And he is there. Heís not goin anywhere.

I did good today, too. Iím not that person, right? Iím not that mean girl that makes people cry with an icy cold smile. Thatís something Claudia can do and be proud of but thatís not me. Itís not a path I want to go down. I thought I was, I thought Ben was goin down a path, too. But I think weíre gonna be okay. If we just keep on with what we had today, even if it wasnít perfect, I think weíll be alright.
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 09, 2013 2:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

March 9th, 2013

And just like that the ever talented Jackie Lee Daniels manages to bring her entire world to a crashing explosion of crap. I remember it all as a blur. I mean, I wasn't drunk or out of it or nothin, I really just don't want to remember everythin I said.

I should have talked to Ben about all of it weeks ago. He wouldn't have told me to shut up or nothin if I could have been calm about it, explained how I felt, told him what was wrong. He talks things out with me all the time. I tell him that he needs to! That it's good for him. And then I'm here bottlin everything up.

But last night it all came out wrong. I snapped. I said horrible things. Everythin was comin out in the worst way and I couldn't do anythin to stop it. I was so mad about it all last night I don't think I wanted to stop it. I thought that maybe if I got it out I would stop hurtin over it, but instead I hurt Ben and now we're both miserable.

Well, I dunno how he is. He was livid with me last night. Couldn't even stay, he had to leave. He said it was because of his head, the boys, but I think he couldn't even stand to be around me because I was bein vile. I don't blame him. I didn't much want to be around me either after he left.

Hayley came home last night a while after Ben left. She knew somethin was up. Not only because Ben came home way too early, paid her for the full night, and gave her a bottle of liquor instead of answering 'why are you home so early?'. But then she came home to me layin on the couch with a full cold meal still put out on the dinner table because I didn't have it in me to clean it up. She still doesn't know all the details but she's not stupid.

Today I haven't felt like gettin out of bed. Hayley keeps threatening that she's not gonna let me sit around mopin the day away. She said I get the afternoon and after that she's gonna raise hell if I don't join the real world.

We'll see about that.
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Jackie Sullivan
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 9:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

March 14, 2013

It was a horrible weekend and that's puttin it lightly. Ben and I didn't speak to one another at all. Even when we broke up ages ago after I came back from Canada we still kept in touch. This was no contact whatsoever and it was torture. I deserved it, but it didn't make it any easier.

I was scared to get in touch with him, to have to admit how wrong I was and what a mess I had made even if I knew it was true. The straw that broke the camel's back was when Adam called me on Monday. He was wondering why we didn't go to church, or have our game night, and he figured it out that Ben and I were fightin.

He wondered if it was because Ben refused to help me pack. YEP, if I had asked him to help me pack and he said no because Ben did the same to Adam when they moved from the apartment to the house. I told him I didn't understand and he asked me if it was about Ben askin me to move in.

I didn't think I could feel like more of an a*s than I already did, but I managed. Ben had said he had two surprises for me on Saturday. I'd bet money that was one of them in addition to a charm for my bracelet. My timing couldn't have been worse if I had tried.

The next day I went to apologize to Ben at his office. Not because I was mad I messed up him askin me to move in and I wanted to make that better. But because Adam made me realize that Ben was plannin' on doin' this while I was worried he was tryin to change me. It wasn't a matter of me becomin someone else first, bein somethin he wanted me to be or anythin like that. He was gonna ask me that day, as I was. I shouldn't have thought so poorly of him.

I told him I was sorry, I was wrong, told him how I felt about the parties and all that. He was worried I didn't want to be with him anymore and I wanted to call him dumb. I don't know how he could even think I would know how to live my life without him anymore. I love him so much and I can't imagine not havin him or Adam or the future we're workin on together.

I don't know if he'll plan on askin me to move in anytime soon since I don't much deserve it after what I did. Thankfully we got a redo on our date (we're good at those) comin up on Saturday and I'm really lookin forward to it no matter what does or doesn't come up.

I try to handle things with Ben as well as I can and for the most part he tells me how good I do. This time I made a massive mistake. I refuse to dwell on it though. I'm gonna pick myself up, dust myself off, and learn like hell from it so I don't stumble like this again.
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