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Livin' Faster Than My Angels Can Fly

 
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Jackie Sullivan
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 12:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

March 30, 2013

That Saturday back when we got into the fight we were gonna have a date night at my place. Dinner, movie, makin’ out, the usual. Then everything exploded. So, we tried it again the following Saturday. Dinner, movie, surprises. Big surprises actually and we never made it to the movie.

First, Ben asked me to move in with him. I never in a million years would have predicted that an’ at the same time it made all sorts of sense and felt like it was right. I told him yes, of course. He said that Adam approved of the new living arrangements before he even asked me. That’s something that made me really happy and excited, the fact that Adam is so okay with me bein with his Daddy.

I never dated anyone with a kid before and when it came to Adam I was worried he might think I was tryin to get in the way of him and Ben. Especially after them spendin all that time apart and how unfair it was that I got to have Ben round with me in RhyDin while Adam was in Canada. But no, he doesn’t feel that way. He thinks I’m good with his Daddy and he likes havin me around and that means the world to me.

I don’t want to take Ben from Adam or anything like that. I’ve wanted to look out for Adam since the first time I met him (sort of like his Daddy). Hell, I done a lot of stupid stuff in the name of Adam, what I thought was right. I don’t do it because I want Adam to like me. He could pull his mopey pre-teen act on me all he wants, shrugging up a storm and I wouldn’t stop. I do it because he’s a good kid, an he’s had it rough now and then but he deserves to be happy an surrounded people who love him an wanna take care of him while he does the dumb things kids are supposed to do. That’s how it’s supposed to be.

Ben’s second surprise was an oval locket for my charm bracelet. I was convinced it was gonna have a picture of us in it, but nope! It was empty. I thought Ben might have goofed an forgot, but then he explained it to me. He said that the locket was supposed to be for someone real important to me. Maybe someone I haven’t even met yet. Maybe someone who wasn’t born yet.

Took a while for it to click with me until I realized he was talkin bout babies. Our kids. Doesn’t that sound nice? Our kids. That locket is a promise of sorts that someday we’re gonna have kids and I’m gonna put their pictures in there. We’re gonna have ourselves a family, even more than we got now with the three of us.

Ben and I have talked about kids before. I told him I needed to know he wanted to have more kids in the future because it’s something I need to do. If we didn’t see eye to eye on that, well then, we were gonna have to step back and take another look at everythin we were doing. At the time he said yeah. If the circumstances were right, in the future, with me, he would want more kids. It was a vague idea of us agreeing, but this? This makes it that much more real. Somethin really solid and a big jump towards our future together.

This all happened a couple weeks back and since then I’ve moved all my things into Ben and Adam’s… our house. I thought it might take some getting used to, but I think it’s been a lot easier for all of us than we imagined. This is just how it’s supposed to be, the three of us together. It feels natural an like we’ve just been stubborn up until this point when we realized it.

Though, I have a theory that Ben might have been plannin on this longer than he'll let on. This master bedroom has got a mess of closet space practically made for my boots. When I told Ben it was funny how perfectly it worked out he just gave me that sorta smile he gets when he's proud of himself. The one that means his plan came together perfectly.
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Jackie Sullivan
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 1:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

April 7, 2013

I was thankful for church today. I’m always thankful for it (a little less when I have a hangover), but today I was extra lookin forward to sittin in that pew as I was getting dressed. Ben and I had quite the incident yesterday and although I am workin so hard to be understanding it’s difficult now and then. It’s a situation where Ben’s nature is goin up against my nature and it’s causin a big mess.

Ben is used to hidin things, which is understandable. It’s not anyone’s business what he has goin on with him, his boys, and his situation. He can keep that to himself all he wants from people and he does. I think he can count on one hand how many people really, truly know bout him.

BUT… I AM NOT JUST ANYONE. I am his girlfriend, someone who is constantly there for him, someone who wants to help him and we have said from the beginning of this second time around that honesty was important between us. That he couldn’t hide things from me.

Well, come to find out he was hiding an entire apartment from me. A hidey hole since he moved into his house. He kept his old apartment as a place to escape to! I shouldn’t be so upset about it, I told him I understand (after a lot of yelling), but I don’t like when people pull a fast one on me. Especially not Ben.

It was through an odd series of events that I found him, alone, in that bare apartment. Well, sort of bare. The bedroom had… it was interesting. I can’t even begin to describe it. Notes upon notes of bits an pieces of what he could remember and probably a lot more that he couldn’t. I was livid when I found him. So mad that he felt the need to hide from me, hide it all from me.

But he started to explain that it was his space to figure things out, his things, and it’s not somethin he wanted anyone to see in his office at work or at home. He said he didn’t want me to see, but he doesn’t really get that luxury anymore. If I’m in this, it’s all the way and I don’t get to have blinders on to all the bad stuff.

That’s where he and I conflict. He wants to hide everything and I’ll be damned if I’m not a digger. I get wind of a problem and I want to help solve it. I want to fix it. I want to make it better. Especially if it’s about someone I love. The problem is that I need Ben to be honest with me and he needs me to realize that I can’t simply fix him. It’s something I understand and I can say aloud but it’s hard to follow through with at times. I want to help, that’s all. I want to help.

But that’s why he has his boys. They are what’s supposed to help him. Me pickin and trying to get him to remember the rough times isn’t the way to go about it. The last thing he needs is me rippin off the band-aids holdin his past at bay.

That’s the thing though, the reason he’s been hidin out so much lately. He said he’s been seein his step-father. I’m still not clear if it was a ghost or a hallucination or what… it’s hard to tell and even moreso in RhyDin with all the weird things constantly happenin here.

But it’s been goin on for weeks which explains why he’s been so ragged. He said this, whatever it was, his step-father was talkin about wantin his forgiveness. Which, honestly? F*ck that guy. I won’t ever say that to Ben’s face but I hope his step-dad is burnin in a special corner of hell.

I push the idea of forgiveness towards Ben, probably more than I should, but it’s not for the wellbeing of that sorry SOB step-father of his. It’s for Ben’s sake so his step-father doesn’t do even more damage on him than he already has. I wish Ben understood that. I think he’s starting to, but it’ll take time. And it’s a delicate thing and something I can’t keep nagging him about. He needs to reach that on his own.

He had told me he felt it was his fault his step-father died. It was a heavy thing and… I’m still tryin to process it. But my initial reaction is, well, it’s not very nice. It’s mostly who cares? Another thing I should keep to myself. I’m not hiding things! But some things are just cruel and need to be kept behind locked lips because they won’t do any good bein let out of their cage

At the end of it all yesterday… we didn’t really reach any sort of resolution to Ben’s problems. Mostly because there isn’t goin to be one for us to figure out in a few hours. This is going to take a lot of time and it’s never going to be perfect.

What we did manage to agree on was that he was going to be more honest with me. Even if it was hard and horrible, he has to tell me these things. On the other hand, I need to know when to help and when to back off a bit. I also have to tell Ben if it all becomes too much for me, but I made him promise he can’t get rid of me in some act of heroism to save me from his problems. He’s stuck with me. So, we’re okay now, between the pair of us. But there are a lot of questions left unanswered and more comin up every passin day.

Ben works really hard to try to understand his boys, why they’re here and what they do. Majority of the time I want to tell myself they’re nothing more than nuisances that get in the way of me havin Ben around. But I’m realizing they do a lot more than that and without them around he might not be the Ben I know. It still doesn’t make it all that easy to accept, but maybe it’s possible? I mean, I survived a night on the town with Harry and it wasn’t the worst thing that ever happened. He had these odd moments where… he wasn’t as dumb as I always peg him to be. He’s just another guy, in an odd situation, doin his best with what he’s got.

Dear Lord, I think I’m feeling sympathetic towards Ben’s boys. Sunday miracles everywhere.
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Jackie Sullivan
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 12:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

April 25, 2013

Just because I haven’t been writing anything doesn’t mean I haven’t been busy as hell. Really, I haven’t had much time to pause let alone put a pen in my hand and write everythin down that’s been going on. But it’s important, especially right now. After this weekend everything is going to be different and I want to remember this moment and how I feel. This is the sort of thing you look back on from years down the road and it makes your insides light up.

It was on April 9th when Ben proposed to me. YES, he proposed. Called my Daddy beforehand for his blessin, got down on one knee, the whole damn deal. I never would have seen it coming, he was so casual about it. Wanted to sit out on the porch and watch the sunset after he got home. It was funny because I was sittin there with him thinkin “Wow, I could get used to this. This is something I want to keep doin over and over again as long as I can.” Us just relaxin, enjoyin ourselves.

At first he gave me a charm for my bracelet, a little silver diamond ring. I couldn’t figure out what memory it was for then he said “This one.” Got down on one knee holding a little black velvet box, opening it up with a ring sittin inside. I said yes, of course and he slid the ring on my finger. The ring, I try to be so modest about it because I don’t want to come off as a brat or something to anyone, but the ring is INSANE. Everyone points out it’s big and it makes me blush, but the best part of it is that it looks like a rose. It’s the prettiest thing you’ll ever see, unlike anything else, and it gets to sit on my finger for life.

Off the bat Ben asked me when I wanted to get married. I said one week. Ha! I figured he was goin to toss a fit like he does. Instead? He only bumped it up to two weeks. I don’t know if he was trying to pull my leg back or what, but it sounded like such a good idea and I wanted it so bad that I agreed. It wasn’t until the next day that I was in a panic tryin to figure out how I was going to plan a wedding in two weeks.

The very first issue I had was the location. First thing to figure out! First problem! I wanted to get married in Georgia but Ben has that whole… can’t leave RhyDin thing. Him and I were tryin to talk it out (mostly he was telling me no) and wouldn’t you know it, Sam showed up. Said it wasn’t Ben’s decision, it was his, that I needed to talk to him.

I don’t know how I managed, but I told him to have a seat so we could talk it out all civil like. We were smarta*ses to each other, we always are, but… well, like I said before, they’re just tryin to do what they’re supposed to do. They are here for a reason. They serve a purpose. And as surprising as it is, Sam’s purpose consists of more than making my life a living hell. He’s supposed to protect Ben and the others. Well, I try to protect Ben, too. So, I guess that puts us on the same team, doesn’t it?

Anyway, after some smooth talkin on my part, I managed to talk a wedding in Georgia and a two week honeymoon on Earth for us. Don’t ask me how! Maybe Sam somehow meant for it to be a trick or, I don’t even want to think about it, but we got it.

The downside is that he started gabbing about it, saying every time Ben left RhyDin he ran the risk of having something go wrong. I haven’t told Ben yet. He has to know already, right? To a point? So it’s not like I’m withholdin information from him or lying, right? Guh, I just don’t want to bring something so heavy around when we’re so close to one of the happiest days of our lives. Maybe we can discuss it on the honeymoon? So romantic, I know. But it’ll come up. I swear… eventually.

Anyway, I have been spendin majority of my days wedding planning. I was absolutely saved because after my conversation with Sam, Ben told me he wanted to hire a wedding planning for me to work with. I’m pretty sure he thought I was going to tell him no, but I’m not a lunatic. I knew I was in over my head and Samantha, the wedding planner, has been an absolute savior! She has been traveling between here and Georgia for us, making sure everything is in order over there. Having everything we purchase in RhyDin sent over, just doing everything I wouldn’t have been able to do without a constant stream of caffeine, whiskey, and sobbing. She’s a wedding superhero!

My other savior has been Peaches. She has been such a good friend to me since we first met and I wanted her by my side for all of this. Her and I have been spending so much time together, talking out our problems with one another, distracting each other when need be. She’s my best friend in RhyDin and I was so excited when she said yes after I asked her to be my maid of honor. I’m pretty sure as nervous as Ben felt askin me to marry him, that’s how I felt askin her. I rattled it out, probably should have gotten down on one knee.

The super fun of the last two weeks is that Ben, the sweet man that he is, decided it would be best and most romantic of us to refrain from… AHEM… until our weddin night on our honeymoon. He said to call him a romantic. In my cellphone I changed his name to Detective Bad Ideas. He’s holdin out strong on me though! So, of course, I respected his decision and have been on my best behavior. Hahahaha! NO. I have made his life hell and used this fancy new phone to send dirty pictures to him whenever I have a chance. Man has got himself a chastity belt of steel and won’t give in, but at least I’m havin a good time being a snot. It got so bad (Apparently I squirm too much when I sleep? … Against him.) that he kicked me out of the house and had me staying with Hayley for part of this week.

But that brings us to TONIGHT. I’m home. With Ben. In bed. He’s going over the itinerary for our honeymoon, which he won’t share with me because it’s a surprise, and I’m being good and staying on my side of the bed. I have to behave or else he said he’ll toss me out onto the porch. I don’t think he’s kidding.

Tomorrow morning we leave for Georgia. Going to see Mama and Daddy bright and early then they’re going to watch Adam so Ben and I can go to the venue to make sure everything is in order along with Samantha. I’m a bundle of nerves. No cold feet, not even close. I’m just worried about everything going okay and the weather and all the things that are sort of out of my control. But this? Ben and I being together? Him, Adam, and myself being a family? This is meant to be. Corny, but true.

I know I was married before. I have that sexy title of divorcee I earned at the age of twenty-two to remind me. But what I had before, that wasn’t anything close to this. That was an impulse. That was a girl drunk on freedom who took it too far. That was a mistake, plain and simple. But I wouldn’t change a single thing in my life because whatever mistakes I made along the way, they brought me right here to this moment and being so close to vowing myself over to the man I love. Nothin about the road that got me here is wrong.

The next time I write in this journal, since more than likely I won’t have time before this all happens Saturday, I will be Mrs. Jackie Lee Sullivan. And along with a new name comes a whole new chapter of my life. I can’t wait!

See you on the other side.
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Jackie Sullivan
The Hillbilly Belle
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PostPosted: Fri May 17, 2013 12:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

May 11, 2013

MRS. JACKIE LEE SULLIVAN! I’m officially a married woman and I couldn’t be happier. The wedding was absolutely beautiful and the best part of it all was that we were surrounded by so many friends and family members. It’s all I really wanted and I got it and I’m completely blessed. Even some of the folks from Vancouver came which was wonderful because I was so happy that Ben had people there for him. I mean, everyone is there for him, my Mama an Daddy love him and everyone else does, too. But I really wanted the people he knew from Canada to be there.

Hell, even Ella was there which was… interesting, to say the least on it… which is probably for the best. The last time I saw her she was callin me a whore and slammin a door in my face. Oh, but then she gave me Ben’s files, divorce papers, and threatened him before sending me on my way! Bless her heart. But I was well behaved and didn’t say a lick. Not on such a happy day. Besides, that’s still Adam’s Mama and I’m not lookin to tread on that. It is what it is. She’ll always be part of our lives because of Adam, but other than that everything else is just a thing of the past.

Onto much better things, Ben surprised me with all the honeymoon planning and I didn’t even get a hint beforehand. We ended up with one week in France and the next week in Italy. It was the most fantastic thing I had ever experienced. Previously I had never left Georgia until I came to RhyDin. Then I never left the US until I went to Vancouver that one time… the time Ella called me a whore, you remember! Now I’ve done it the right way, with Ben, somewhere completely enchantin.

There were so many beautiful things to see, so much stuff to do. At night sittin by the fire drinkin wine in Provence. Waking up to breakfast on the terrace in Florence with the most breathtaking view. It was magical. It sounds so silly, but it really felt magical and like time was standin still for us while we were away. I wouldn’t have changed a thing and nothing could have made it better. Maybe the only thing Ben would have changed is not having his naps interrupted, but I had a hard time adjusting my internal clock and sleeping when I was so excited all the time. Besides, it’s a honeymoon! Somethin about a rock on your finger suddenly makes you frisky as hell, or so says me.

We’re home now, got in last night. We spent some time at the Inn. Why not? It was where we first met. It’s pretty fittin for our first outing as man and wife to be at there as well. We weren’t out for long though. I am so tired I can’t even put it into words. Ben keeps tellin me it’s the jetlag but I don’t remember it even bein this bad when we landed in Provence. But it was a very busy two weeks so I suppose it makes sense.

All I know is I got the rest of the weekend to relax and get settled then it’s back to work on Monday. I don’t wanna go! I love the Busted Knuckle but it’s so nice being able to relax at home. WhineWhineWhine. Do you see the mood my jetlag has me in? I just can’t bring myself to get up but I gotta. Lunch for the boy isn’t gonna make itself.

Making lunch for my husband and my step-son. How can something so simple and silly make me so happy? It’s wonderful.
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Jackie Sullivan
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PostPosted: Fri May 17, 2013 1:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

May 16, 2013

I feel like the lowest human being ever.

I feel like I’m the dumbest person alive.

I feel like I’m completely helpless and weak.

I feel like I giggled too much when he was being gross in the bar.

I feel like if I would have told him ‘no’ sooner it wouldn’t have gone that far.

I feel like if I had done anything differently, just one thing that delayed me for a few more minutes or if I actually did what I was supposed to do from the start and worked my entire shift, that none of this would have happened.

I’m thankful that Ben, Sam, whoever managed to stop Lonnie before it got really out of hand but I still feel horrible and looking back it shouldn’t have started to begin with. I could have done so many things differently but instead I was dumb as hell. Waiting in the dark for my ride. Letting him make as many comments as he did all night. Not breaking his hand when he smacked my a*s. I should have been able to handle all of that on my own.

But when it had gone too far and we were outside, I couldn’t. I actually couldn’t. I was useless and couldn’t even handle one drunk. So, what? I lost my Jackie edge? I’m goin soft? I’m just some frail lil thing that needs defending? That’s how I feel. And I made all the wrong decisions. I was practically askin for it. I don’t know. I’ve been sorta numb since then but I think that’s for the best.

Billie did come over last night though. Peaches asked me to show her a good night and I did. It was hard. Not that I don’t love Billie, I adore her, she’s so great. But it was so tiring to have to put on this act like I was perfectly fine. I didn’t want to unload anything onto her considering she’s already helping Peaches so much. She didn’t need that.

Ben left when Billie was over, went to his apartment for a while, I think. He’s been trying to help, I know it. I feel worse because I can’t get better for him. It’s only been a day or so, whatever, I know. I know it’ll take time. But I want to be able to flip a switch and just be happy for him and carefree and okay. But the best thing Ben has done is that I know he doesn’t want me to force it or fake it. The best part about Ben is that I don’t have to pretend for him. I can be broken and he just keeps on sittin with me through it.

He stayed home from work with me the last two days and it was what I needed. I needed him here. I think part of him is upset that Sam is the one who beat Lonnie’s face in, but it doesn’t matter. I hugged Sam afterward in a fit of emotion and it was… it was really horrible. But then in the car Ben hugged me, awkwardly across the gear shift, and that was what I wanted and needed. I don’t care who did what, I just want my Ben with me now.

He was talking about going back to work tomorrow so I will be alone while Adam is as school because Ben suggested I take the rest of the week off work. Sam on the other hand told me I could never go back to the Busted Knuckle again. I don’t know how that is going to go, but looking at only tomorrow and being alone I’m already dreading it. Though, it’s not like I can make Ben stay home with me forever. So, it’ll be me and my thoughts together for hours.

I don’t feel like me.
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Jackie Sullivan
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 27, 2013 11:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

May 18, 2013

I know there are a lot of people who would say otherwise, but I would like to think I’m a rational person. Suuure, maybe when I was younger I had a habit of flyin off the handle. Okay, maybe I sometimes still have that sort of habit, but it’s never without a damn good reason. At least that’s the way I look at it. I think I’ve matured over the last few years and especially the couple I’ve spent in RhyDin when I got to stretch my own two legs and walk my own path.

But for some reason there is nothin in my mind that is able to be rational when it comes to Ella, Ben’s ex-wife. Every time she comes up in conversation I want to spit and hiss and I don’t know why.

I mean, of course I know why, it’s Ben’s ex-wife but that really shouldn’t mean anything. I got married and divorced (as short lived as that was). I’ve been with other people. Hell, I think Ben has said that he and Ella have been involved longer than I’ve been alive. And… there are so many reasons why I should not be up in arms about this.

They were together, got married, had a son, and over time things didn’t work. They had issues before Ben even got dropped in RhyDin but that certainly didn’t help. In the end it’s done and over, Ben and Ella are no more. Except… that’s Adam’s Mama so she’ll always be part of the picture and after all these years Ben couldn’t just up and stop talkin’ to her anyway. There’s a lot of history there.

Is that what tweaks that lil knob in my brain that makes word vomit pour out of my mouth about Ella? History? Is that what makes me lose it? Doesn’t seem fair considerin we all got a past. It’s not like Ben could just sit there holding his breath waiting around to be drop into some alternate universe where he could meet me. That doesn’t make sense.

Maybe that’s part of it, the fact that Ben and I being together is seriously a one in a million shot. Ben and Ella grew up together; they were always around each other, them being together made sense. They came from similar backgrounds, helped each other through stuff the best they could. People would look at that and say “yes, that’s how it’s supposed to be.”

On the other hand, I mysteriously got dumped into RhyDin. Ben got dumped into RhyDin. Our backgrounds are completely different (oh, except we both ran with cops. I was just on the other side of the bars now and then). I know there is an age difference that people love pointing out whether they mean ill about it or not. Ben and I, maybe on the outside, don’t make a lot of sense at all. But I’ll be damned if anyone ever tell me that we don’t work well together. We are supposed to be together and no one can ever tell me different. I love him and he loves me and that’s the end of it, no matter how much crap we go through.

But if I’m so confident in all this then WHY can’t I stand the idea of Ella? I have no idea. I don’t know. I can try to sort it out in my head all I want but then I get mad and huffy and I want to focus on something else. I don’t want to think about Ella. I don’t want anything to do with Ella. I don’t think I like Ella.

But Ella is never going away. I should be much more understanding and accepting, but I don’t know if my ill will towards her is ever going to go away either. What I do know is that Ben isn’t going to put up with another round of sh*t like I pulled last night. That’s for damn sure.
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