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Behind Blue Eyes.
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Billie Barlow
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 2:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Molly is here. Something is going on... something not good and I've still not heard from Mark. Worried now. Levi has an odd look in his eyes, like... I dunno what...but I get the feeling it's not something I'm going to like
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 14, 2015 10:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

When I was little Da used to say something that I thought I understood up until this point. In the trip we would be talking about this or that and he would turn to me with a grin and say, "Gets lonely at the top."

I always took him to be literal. Like if you was at the top of a tree there weren't any way for a lot of people to be with you, so you'd be lonely. I weren't thinking of it as a metaphor, a way to explain the space that grows between you and other people though you stand the same distance apart. When you got to be a leader, when you're up top, it were lonely. Everything you say and do is going to be examined and everyone got their own two cents about what they thought you should have done. You can't vent to one guy about another cause those words get around. The only thing left for you is to keep your mouth shut, and that's where the loneliness comes in. You got to act on behalf of the whole picture and not just the one that had been your's.

Then there were the matter of being weak. Can't give too much of a show of emotion or people are liable to think you naht able to handle the stress of the job and them doubting their leader makes them stressed and looking other ways. Da was telling me about that, by the glen, the other day. Said it were important for me to keep the look of confidence about me, especially when times were bad and even if it weren't true. I couldn't tell him that I were having doubts, that I were thinking all the years as guard dog made me ill-suited to be more than that. Or maybe he saw it and that warranted the pep-talk.

What am I guarding, anyway? Billie gone over to Levi's camper. That guy don't know when to stop telling me things, he's just as bad as Billie. If I were to put some beers in them and sat back quiet I think I'd get every detail of their sex life. Don't they know I'm the brother? It feel disrespectful and gross. Things like broken condoms don't need to be told to me unless there were a baby on the way. When Levi text me saying they had a grand time it felt smug, like he'd got one over me. Then I show up and Billie looks terrible-- but it ends up it weren't over him, but mom. Then she's so sad and teary. I can tell when they talk about her and Levi being a thing that she want my approval. I give it and she lights up.

I weren't wanting to stop them. They hadn't seemed on the same page before but they did that night. Billie weren't crying and running away on account of Levi and Levi weren't looking frustrated with her. Maybe the best thing for them was that I were gone for a bit. I got my reservations but what's done is done. They an item now and Levi says he won't leave her. I'll keep an eye on that promise, for sure.

It ain't no secret to see it and know Billie gonna be with Levi, and that they ain't gonna be on the road forever. At some point Levi gotta go back to the locals and country folks in his suit. I don't know how mobil that job is, I don't know how much either of them ever actually liked the road so much as the people that were traveling it with them. They would like it if we bought up rows of houses in some subdivision and called it ours.

The onslaught of news upon returning to camp were brutal. On way Keirra and I had at each other, which were good cause being spent has a way of taking the edge off. We got Mason Briggs from the McAveries for us and he be a right good asset so long as he weren't playing double agent. Put him to the test with a car Levi brought into camp to see if he were any good as a mechanic. I welcome him here as a mechanic, naht as someone bringing in blood. But if there were to be blood for other reasons, he's a good set of knuckles to have. The stories I heard of him.

Then Levi and Billie tell me about mom and I don't really know how to feel. Still been something numb about me since Da spoke of the trust all being left to Billie. I heard once that that were shock, when you was in a place where you couldn't feel anything. Sometimes that a person will lose someone and it won't be til weeks later that they cry about it. Is that what happening to me? In a month am I gonna finish a beer and then get hit with the tidal wave of what I should have been feeling all along?

Molly were here, too, and that can mean any number of things. She weren't someone that you disregard and she been telling me on more than one occasion that we gotta have words. It been feeling like that anvil, like what were in the cartoons, is floating over my head. Everytime someone speaks to me it feel like they got some weight on them that they put on me, and it weren't ever just to say hey and get me a beer. It were for something. Maybe that's just how I'm feeling cause so much is going on that were needing my hands in it.
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 14, 2015 3:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jesus. What am I going to do about Billie? I brought her to her Grandfather's and wouldn't you know it, he's my old pal Judge Williams. You know, the one that holds me in contempt of court every single time I have a defendant in front of him? Yeah. That guy. He should just get over the fact that I banged Caroline. I mean, really. He shouldn't hire the women that he's banging, so I guess we're both equally bad.

Anyway, on our way back home, we had a talk and the next thing I know, she's telling me to pull over. I thought she was going to be sick so I do. She gets out of the car and has me follow her into this field. And then she starts to strip her clothes off. And damned straight I had me some of that.

But, thing is, when we were doing it the second time, I forgot the condom. I hope she's not pregnant. I told her that I'd be around for as long as she'll have me, and it's true. But I think she's looking at me for something more and I just don't have it to give. Not now. She's had her entire life of fantasy and I've had a few weeks.

Not going to use the L word. Just not going to do it until I'm sure that I feel it. And right now? I don't. I'm very attracted to Billie, I like her a heck of a lot and she's great in the sack. But... yeah.

Mark didn't say much about it. I had to tell him, not going to run around like a coward playing stupid games. If he wants to lay into me, then he'll have a fight coming to him because this time I did nothing wrong.
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 14, 2015 5:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My world is turned all around and twisted with everything that has changed and is changing. The simple fact that as I write this, I am laying in bed next to Levi is a good place to start. I found comfort in his arms after the news about Ma tonight when before I would have turned to Mark. I kinda feel like I've abandoned him.

With everything going on its all been dumped on his shoulders. Mark is strong and all but he's not Super Man. He won't talk to me about things, like either because I'm his sister or because he thinks I can't handle things. I have to handle things now.

Levi snors. It's cute. God I'm so in love with him.

I don't know what to think about Molly. I know what people say about her. She's earned her right to do things, whatever it is she does. When ever she came to see Pops I was always sent out to play. I remember that. She was always this strange woman. Odd, there's just something odd about her that I can't place. Now she's here to talk to Mark. I know I'm supposed to respect her, but that don't mean I have to like her.

I want to go and see Ma. It scares me to think about what she might look like. I don't understand why Pops didn't tell us, why he kept it all to himself. He must have had a good reason but right now i dont understand it.

I can't keep my thoughts clear enough to write anymore. I'm a very lucky woman to have someone like Levi... and Mark.
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 15, 2015 9:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really feel like there is something going on with Levi. He's, how do I put this... mean? Well, perhaps a little, might be everything that is going on, but it's just that something feels odd about it all. Like, I mean, sometimes he's looking at him with those blue eyes and I swear I see a softness in them, mostly when he think I'm not looking. Then, there are other times, like yesterday there was just a cold look in his eyes as if I were no different to him than any of the other girls in the camp. Then he says I should stay in my own RV, which honestly, I had already been thinking about. Sounds nutty but I missed Mark. Going to ask him if he wants to watch some old movies tonight like we used to.

But Levi and I had sex again and that's the other thing, cause it wasn't at all like the first time where he was all caring and sweet and nice. No, this was... not sure how to put it, other then I felt empty after. He got up to take a shower, said I should perhaps be getting back to my place. So I did. I left, went home and read to Pops until he fell asleep. Maybe its nothing, maybe I'm just reading into things too much, or that's how things are when you're with someone? It just didn't feel good is all.

Yeah, tonight i'm stay in and just read or watch a movie with Mark if he wants. Him and I not spent a lot of time together. In all honestly he was the only one I wanted then I learned the news about Ma. Why can't more men be like Mark? I really do have the best brother in the world.
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 15, 2015 12:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Guess Chris and Caro got their last licks in. Can't be publicly humiliated and nothing be done about it, I suppose. Got the call that my office has been packed up and that they'll ship it to me. No reason to go in, my services are no longer required. Whatever. Just because I'm not on the public payroll doesn't mean I can't defend the family in court. They can take my job, but not my license.

Going to stay in the circuit. Just have to get the condo sold and let Ma know that things are changing. Can't really leave now, anyway. Billie and Mark need me, even though I'm sure to get thronged by Mark once the fog of too many announcements clears out of his brain. I deserve it for rubbing it in that I didn't listen to a direct order. But I don't regret what Billie and I have done.

Guilt will be gone once Mark does what he has to do and I'm nursing another black eye. Maybe I won't be such a jerk to other people once things have settled. I was a total anal fissure last night to everyone. Even Billie wasn't safe. Been away from the circuit too long. Need to start finding my place again and fitting in.
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God only knows what I would do to you

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 16, 2015 12:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Billie must have had some bug up her butt yesterday. I'd not seen her all day long, and it was my turn to cook. Spent all day over hot coals and campfires. Hell by the time I did see her I must have stunk pretty badly. Maybe that was it. Anyway, she sees me and says she's gotta go take care of Pops. She and Keirra were just talking. Maybe that was it. I don't know.

She said I made her feel like a sleazy one night stand. How the hell did that even happen? She wouldn't listen, wouldn't talk, just kept storming off. So I took off to the Inn for a beer and to just calm down. Mark was there, we had some whiskey. He stayed in the room I'm renting and I was going to go home. But then there's Billie and Keirra... again! On the porch swing just looking at me like I've grown horns and a tail. Still don't know what I did.

I was just going to leave them to it but Keirra said to go inside. Why'd I even listen to her? So I went inside, but I wasn't going to bug them. I sat there and played peanuts. And there's Billie, spilling everything all over the bar and flirting with this guy. So yeah, if that's what she wanted, I wasn't going to sit and watch. So I tried to leave. Again.

She stopped me, said it was over if I left. Hell feels like it was over before it even started. Didn't get a chance to know her much because she just won't talk to me. Ended up outside with her, was going to walk home and let her and Keirra have the Civic. That wasn't good enough, she tried to follow me.

Took the Civic and took off. Left her standing there. Got back to camp, grabbed some of Molly's sweetwater and locked myself into my RV. Got drunk out of my head and slept off the night. Wasn't right just leaving her like that but I couldn't take it anymore. She pushes me away and tries to pull me back and it's driving me insane.

Need to talk to her. I want to know what I did to start all of this.
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God only knows what I would do to you

- Young the Giant "Nothing's Over"
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 16, 2015 6:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aunt Rally smokes like a chimney, more than once I had to stick my head out the window in order to breath fresh air. And.. holy ***..and does that women know anything other then stop and GO... like balls to the wall driving. I swear every time she had to pull up behind someone I could see the look in their rear view mirror and the fear in their eyes as they thought she was gunna ram right into the back of their car. I think she needs to get her glasses checked. Sheesh.

So I'm here at Molly's and I'm tired, so very tired but I want to see my Ma. Aunt Rally said to sleep and wait till the morning when my head was clear and I wasn't so upset.

I don't know how everything got so twisted and turned around and messed up. Levi just seemed to annoyed with me all the time. Everything I said seemed to get a look or a sharp word and I have no clue as to why. Then tonight.. at the bar I was only being polite to someone, but I guess because it was a guy that meant I wanted to shag him? Then I hear Levi make a comment about "if that's what I want I can have it" or something like that. I didn't even know he was there.

What, I save myself all these years, and now he thinks I'm gunna just start going around shagging everyone I talk to? I don't know what to think, all I know is when he pulled off in the car and left me standing there it felt like he hand pulled my heart right out of my chest and dragged it away with him.

Can't make someone love you if they don't. Perhaps it's better this way, just end things before something really bad happens, like getting pregnant or something. I do NOT want to be one of those girls.
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2015 8:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

She says she loves me and I've no doubt that it's true. I can see it in her eyes and the way she looks at me with those knowing little smiles. I should love her, should want to put a ring on her finger. I should do a lot of things. I just can't.

It's not that I don't have feelings. I go through the motions and I want to hold her and kiss her and keep her safe. I want to do the naughty things that we do behind closed doors. It's safe. It's uncomplicated. I care for her, probably more than I care for any other person. But is it love?

Says she's pregnant, showed me the test. Guess I'm going to be a dad. Thought doesn't scare me as much as I thought it would. It's a responsibility that I knew was an inevitable one. Whether it's now or in ten years from now, I knew that I'd be a dad. I think she'll be a good mother and like I told Molly, life's too short to get upset or be overly worried about something as natural as having a baby.

Speaking of Molly, she's got herself into a bit of trouble. More trouble than I think she ever imagined she'd be in. Mark hasn't been a loyal heart to any one woman since Gwen. It was a dangerous game that Molly played and I'm afraid it's one she might not win. I'm in her corner, would rather see Mark with Molly than with Gwen. Gwen's a manipulative bitch who sold her own sister down the river to save her own hide.

Guess love is blind. Don't think Mark will ever see the bad in her. But then I don't think he sees the darkness or the badness in anyone that he cares for, anyone who is family. He doesn't take kindly to strangers in the camp. Those are the bad guys, the untrustworthy ones. Everyone in the circuit is given a clean slate, time and again, by Mark. I don't think people realize how lucky they are that he's like that.

Anyway, on our way up to the Farm with Pops, Billie and Molly. It's almost time and Pops wants to be with his wife so they can die together. It's romantic and it's sick. What's worse is that he didn't want Mark around when it happened. Billie's going to be a mess, I already know this much. Told Keirra to watch out for Mark. He might not show it but he's going to need someone around when he gets the call or text that it's over.

If family equals love, then yeah I'm in love. With all of them.
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God only knows what I would do to you
It's over, nothing's over
I'll grow up when I'm older
God only knows what I would do to you

- Young the Giant "Nothing's Over"
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 26, 2015 2:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Took Pops up to the farm to be with Billie's ma. Billie and Molly went with me to see after Pops. We put him in the bed with her and I'd never seen him cry before. He held onto her and cried, talked to her and just kept touching her as if she were wide awake. And then he gave the nod and the nurse turned off the life support. The room was so quiet. We all were sitting there and I just couldn't take it.

When I got back to the room both Billie and Molly were pretty broken up. Molly hides it well with her walls and snappy attitude, but Billie was sobbing. It took hours to calm her down and if it weren't for the fact that she's pregnant, I think they wanted to sedate her. Once she was calm, I finished up the paperwork and the hospital took over from there. They transported the bodies from the farm to a funeral home. They'll be cremated together, and their ashes sent to me to dispose of or keep as Billie and Mark see fit to do.

Molly took off, but she's known for that. Woman has a lot of connections and hitching a ride was probably pretty easy for her. We met up with her and the rest of the camp. Mark was busy posturing for strangers, baring his teeth and ready to bare knuckle to show who's boss. Can't blame him. Not sure what I'd do when Ma goes. Don't want to think about it but sent a probate lawyer to visit with her to get her business in order.

Something happened between Mark and Gwen, Keirra's involved. Not sure what's going on there, not sure I want to know. It's like all three are on a hell bent path of self destruction, each a nuclear warhead just ticking until it's time to go off.

Gotta concentrate on Billie and the baby. Seeing Pops and then thinking about what I'd do if something should happen to Billie was really an eye opener. Now that I've discovered the woman that Billie is, her sense of humor, her triggers to make her angry, the way she blushes when we talk about having sex. I'd kill for her. If that's not love, then what is?

But then she ruined it. Just. We had sex, it was fantastic, like nothing I'd known before. And then she says that I can have sex with other women if I wear a condom. Really? Is that what she really thinks of me? Of course Molly had to put that idea in her head that one woman could never satisfy a man completely. I want to throttle them both! I made up with Billie but after what she said, the free license to be a man-whore that she gave me, I'm not sure I can tell her how I feel. She says she doesn't think about me that way, that she really doesn't want me with anyone else. But really?

Busted my hand up by punching a cabinet. Wasn't my best moment, and I think I scared Billie into saying what she thought I wanted to hear. Time will tell, I guess. Not going to desert her, even if she thinks that I will. She's carrying my kid, I'm not going to be that guy that runs off at the first sign of trouble.

But man I wanted to.
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It's over, nothing's over
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God only knows what I would do to you

- Young the Giant "Nothing's Over"
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 26, 2015 4:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I sat and watched the sun go down over the river, felt the wind and air around me like it was all closing in. It like the world keeps moving as I stumble and everything moves faster than me. Like I'm supposed to be this, something...else but I can't anything other than who I am. I don't want to either. My parents are gone. They are gone. Not sure I even have Mark anymore, now he's taken over. Something is different with him, perhaps it's all of this, just there is this feeling I get from him, like he's closed off from something, he's not facing something. I've seen him do it before. Of course, I'm just Billie, so it's not like he'd think I notice these things. I swear sometimes he thinks I'm just some stupid little girl.

Which, I just might be for listening to anything Molly had to say in the matters of the heart. She kept talking about how men didn't like to be tied down to one woman and this and that, and how Levi was used to a certain kind of woman and with me being pregnant. Yeah, pregnant... something I never thought was going to happen. But wow.. and with Levi.

I'm pretty sure he's still pissed off at me. He's the first for me on ever level, I don't know what the hell I'm doing. God help me... and OMG can we talk about the sex? Jesus, I didn't even know you could do that with a tongue.

He said I didn't lie to Pops. But I did... not that it matters, it made the man happy and that's what really counted. A baby....I'm going to have a baby. With Levi. It's an odd thing to be this happy with so much hurt just behind me. But I am, so very much in love with him. Now I just need to not screw things up. God help me.
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 29, 2015 5:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I wake up this morning to find Molly sitting in the chair, fast asleep and no Levi. I ask whats going on and get unloaded that Levi was hurt and is in the hospital. No one thought to wake me up? Levi had to be taken to the hospital and no one woke me up? So I'm trying to get ready to go see him any everything keeps going wrong. One thing after another. Just one of those days. God, i hope he's okay. If anything happened to him...

Right now I'm dealing with things but not dealing with them. I guess. Just not wanting to really talk about it. The baby, my parents, non of it. Only thing I am sure of, is I can't do this without Levi. I love him so much it scares me sometimes.... cause there really isn't anything I wouldn't try and do for him. When he said it, when he actually said he loved me I wanted to scream and it felt like my heart jumped clear across the room. Silly....I know, but that just how he makes he feel sometimes. The smell of him, the feel, the thought, the touch the taste... everything, it's all I can think about.

Well, let me try and get things done around here so I can get up there and see him and find out what really happened.
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 01, 2015 2:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Things are so **** right now. I want to rip something apart, destroy it with my bare hands. Never been one for fists but there's so much anger inside of me that I think I'm going to burst at the seams if it doesn't get released somehow, some way.

So furious with myself for not sending Myra away. She's a tease and a slut and I let her touch Billie. I didn't know. **** that. I knew. I knew Billie wasn't into it. But I let it go on. I encouraged it. And then Billie was running away. I should have stayed in the city and let Molly help me get my job back. Should just stay away from Billie. ****!

She's too good for me. Everything pure and good and pristine in this world is wrapped up in Billie's eyes and I'm slowly and methodically stripping it all away. Why doesn't somebody stop me?

Been picking fights, landed me in the hospital with a lump to my head. Still not enough of a release for all of this anger. Too much anger.

She's too good for me.
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It's over, nothing's over
I'll grow up when I'm older
God only knows what I would do to you
It's over, nothing's over
I'll grow up when I'm older
God only knows what I would do to you

- Young the Giant "Nothing's Over"
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 08, 2015 11:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm a beast. That's all I can hear now. Beast. Eveything before that, it's all gone. Swept away. I'm a spycho beast. The one person in the world that I thought would never call me that, went and did it. This is no more Levi and Billie and I can't look at him without feeling sick to my stomach. He's not who I thought he was. Not the first time he's said something hurtful to me. Well, that's not the love I want. I'm better than being called names. One thing I read in Ma's diary was never let a man call you names. And if it's within the first three months, leave. Walk out the door.... damn, now I want to see that movie.

Anyhow, I guess I had this dream image of that Levi would be. Who knows, perhaps I made the whole thing up? God, wouldn't that be nice, to just wake up and this whole thing would have been one, massive dream. Oh, what I wouldn't give to take it all back. I'd never had had sex with Levi. God, I knew that was a mistake. And then to think, I could still be pregnant..? OMG, that would be awful to have a kid with someone you're unsure you love. And you'd have to deal with that person for the rest of your life.

Well I'm glad I found out now what Levi really thinks. I'm already over it.
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 09, 2015 5:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jesus Christ. That woman has only two settings: on and off. There is no middle ground, at all. She's a spoiled brat! When she got pregnant I didn't think that either of us could have been happier. But then her body rejected it and she miscarried. It felt like someone sucker punched me right in the solar plexus. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. All I knew is that I wasn't going to be a dad and that Billie had to be hurting.

She lost the baby. She had to hurt in her soul. Right?

She acts like there's nothing wrong, that she does this on a daily basis. Like nothing even happened. Like she wasn't pregnant. Hell, maybe she wasn't? I don't know. It's just that she didn't seem to understand that I was upset by this entire miscarriage business, too. I didn't want to hurt her, I didn't want her to get pregnant again. I wanted her to heal. Abstaining from sex for a week or so wasn't going to kill her.

But her reaction to me saying no sex until she was better? You'd think that I'd just taken away her favorite toy and bashed it against the wall until it was in little pieces.

Good to know that all I was to her was a piece of tail. Good to find out these things before things went way too far. She said that she could get laid before me, and she still can. Good for her. Screw the entire camp and everyone in the city of Rhy'din. I don't care anymore.

Turns out Billie is just like the rest of the girls in the circuit. Horny psycho hose beasts. Not letting her or anyone else get their claws into me, ever again.

Never.
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 12, 2015 6:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really don't have a lot to say. I keep sitting here looking at the paper and I have nothing.

Levi... Levi Clark . Levi A Clark. Levi Abraham Clark ...... Levi.... Levi.... Levi..

nope I got nothing. just feel like sleeping.
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 13, 2015 5:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thought we'd worked things out and were in a good place. I said I wouldn't let her in again. Yet, here I go again, stupid me. She pulled the "I need space and time to think" act. Like I don't know what that means, right?

Means by sticking to my guns she's going to take her ball and go find someone else to play with it.

Whatever. I'll give her and Mark all the space and time that they need. I'm not leaving the camp but there are other things that are taking up my free time lately. I found a gym to work out in and got approached about fighting on a team in something called the Royal Rabble on the Iron Fists Team. Or maybe it's in the Iron Fists League on team Royal Rabble.

Anyway, I've never been good with my fists. So we'll see how this goes. It's a nice distraction from people who can't seem to make up their damn minds.
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 04, 2015 5:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not been writing much. Funny when you have something to take your mind from all those little things, they suddenly don't seem all that important anymore.

So a lot of things have been going on. First thing to blow my mind is Keirra being pregnant. She says she's going to give the baby up when she has it. My first thought was I'd take it, but looks like her sister, or was it Gerry's sister..? I didn't even know Gerry HAD a sister. Not sure how Levi would have felt about that anyhow. He's pretty clear on not wanting to have kids, at least not right now. Losing the baby really tore him a new one.

So, I've been working with some of the kids in the park since none of them attend a public school. Lords above, but some of them talk like Molly. Jesus, I can't stand how she talks. I know some of that has to do where she is from, but holy cheese and rice. Had and were are not interchangeable. But, I found I actually like it so I've been doing it most days. Today it was raining so we had our little class in my RV. Looking at the mess now, and dear Gods, perhaps crafts was not a good idea. It looks like a sparkles fairy took a crap in my RV. Not even sure I want to know how them little bundles of joy got glittered footprints on the ceiling. Mark might not be too amused. When i say there is glitter everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE.

Other than that everything seems to be going good. Not sure what's going on with Mark however, there is something that seems slightly wrong... he's not talking to me and been very, very distant. I can tell Molly has been here a lot cause the place smells like a nasty patchul-whatever it's calls. God that stuff stinks. WAS planning one cooking something nice for Levi tonight, but I think I might need to clean this place up before Mark gets back. Hehehe
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 21, 2015 1:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lost again last night. Kind of sucked but Eva and the team say that it's about learning from my mistakes at this point. Would like to win one, though. Great group of people, very upbeat and classy. Gave Bailey a ride home from the Gardens. He's pretty cool, my first real friend not attached to anyone in the circuit. We drank beer and hung out for a bit before I came home.

Billie was crashed out in the bed so I slept on the couch. I don't think I have the enthusiasm that she does when it comes to all things us. Too much has happened and I don't think I could ever feel the same. She's not really the person that I thought I knew.

Don't get me wrong, I do love her. But then I love Mark and Keirra, too. It's more along those lines. I mean, if I were head over heels, would a pretty girl in a boxing ring turn my head? It wouldn't. But it does and that gives me pause and makes me think that maybe, just maybe, I made a mistake in getting so close to Billie. I think I'm doing her more damage than good.
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God only knows what I would do to you

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 01, 2015 7:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was right. Had been thinking it was all a lie and the whole time that's all it was, just a lie. How anyone could be so mean to someone else I have no idea. I never in a million years thought he would do me like that, but he did, he did and it hurt. still hurts. I can't go back to the camp and see him laughing it up without a care in the world. Would be far less painful if he just took a knife and cut my heart out. Its hard to breathe. I don't want to eat, just sleep but even that brings no comfort cause I keep dreaming the whole thing over and over. How he was laughing at me, calling me names. Why..? What did I do to deserve being treated like that? I guess I really as as worthless as he thinks. Why would someone as fat as me ever have been able to keep a man like him in the first place. What was I thinking.

So now what? Where do I go? I can't bring myself to face him or anyone. They are all laughing at me.
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 02, 2015 8:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well. I really screwed up everything with Billie. It's no secret that we saw eye to eye on nothing. We had nothing in common. She likes to read, I avoid books like the plague. Mark warned me that her expectations were unrealistic. She reads those romance novels and thinks that's how life is going to turn out. Happily ever after. Maybe she'll find that in someone else. I hope she does.

I just couldn't do it anymore. Her temper tantrums, her constantly trying to verbally spar with me and then getting hurt when she didn't get the upper hand. She was constantly running off and it got to the point that if she wanted to keep running away from me I figured there was a reason why so I stopped chasing.

Things have just been in a downward spiral since she lost the baby. I mourned that baby and I still do. She seemed to act like it was nothing but a few cells. I'm sure that somewhere, inside, she was mourning. But, why didn't she share that with me? I just felt alone in that and her scorn over the subject just left me not wanting to talk to her about much of anything anymore.

And it seemed the only time she was truly happy is when we were snogging. I wanted more than that, more than a bed buddy. I don't know why I thought that we could be more. I don't think we ever agreed on anything.

So I was a total dick to her. She was being her usual melodramatic self to get my attention. I hate when she does that in public. It's like she's trying to garner all this attention and sympathy from others. So I let her have it. I knew which buttons to push and I pushed them all. I called her a fat ass. I laughed at her when she fell down the steps. I knew that she was ok, physically and there's something that's hilarious about watching a person get scared, flail about and then land safely on their ass.

Got some folks pissed off at me for laughing at her, though. I deserved it. I was being a jerk and I knew it. It's best for her to hate me now than be miserable and unable to get out of it without a court order later. And I think that goes both ways. We both needed out of that relationship.

But that's when the homophobic insinuations began. Of course I have to be gay not to want her, right? And of course she has to bring her old pal Molly in to try to hurt me with more sneering and saying stupid crap that she really has no idea about. Molly tried to say that I'm jealous that Mark chose to be with Molly. If Molly could make him happy, I'd not say a word. But the woman brings these stray men into the camp and some of them do harm. She's slept with so many of them, how could Mark or anyone else know for certain that the bastard child she's carrying is actually Mark's? So now looking out for my best friend is a sign that I'm gay and that I want him and am jealous. Whatever.

In all of this mess I did meet Quinn. He stood up for me and gave Billie and Molly a piece of his mind when they went into harpy mode with me. It was nice to have someone on my side during all of that crap. Though Keirra now knows and that fiesty little ball of energy with a baby bump has been there when I needed someone to just talk to. Gerry's a lucky guy because if he hadn't snatched her up, I might have.

Feels like the camp is being split in two on whose side to take. Mark's stuck in the middle and I hate that for him. There's nothing worse than a feuding campsite. It should be a peaceful, safe place to retreat to when things get crazy in the world. The people aren't blood but they are family and nobody should be made to choose one side over the other.

Looking back on all of the women that I've dated, and there have been quite a few, none of them worked out. I couldn't figure out why but I lost interest for one reason or the other quickly and then burned the bridges with nuclear bombs. Maybe Billie and Molly are right, but how could they know about what happened in Law School? How could they have known that a hazing incident for that fraternity made me see things differently?

Todd was rush chair for the fraternity that I was pledging. At one party, everyone was three sheets into the wind by ten pm. I can't believe I'm talking about this after so many years of trying to forget it. I don't know if Todd was gay, I don't know that any of them were. But they lined us up, had us strip down and then they did things with and to us. We were laughed at, called plebes and it was supposed to be torture. But the truth of the matter is that I kind of liked what was happening. Of course, I couldn't admit that to the other pledges or anyone else for that matter. I'd seen how the gay community was treated on campus and I knew the stance the family took with such things. So I stomped that little bit of I don't know what down until I really believed that it was just a reaction to being touched.

That is until I met Quinn. He's open and honest about his sexuality. He's open and honest about everything. His life's an open book and all anyone has to do is just ask and he doesn't hold back anything. I admire him for that. I live in a world just filled with secrets and deceptions. It's the way of life in the Caravan Circuit. It's refreshing to have a friend who hides nothing.

And then he kissed me. I can't tell anyone. Not Keirra, not Mark, nobody. It made me feel so alive and that's not something I've felt in a very long time. But he's coming out of something and this whole thing with Billie has just left me drained. I wish I could talk to someone to sort things out.
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God only knows what I would do to you

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 02, 2015 1:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I hadn't been honest with anyone, lately.

Since Da were gone, I was this whole other person. It were naht so good for Billie. I can't be there for her like I was. I spend a good bit of my time on the phone, talking, arranging. I do meet ups and I do trades. Life just keeps goin' on campside. Billie is left kinda fending for her own and makin the most outta things. I hate that for her, but at the same time, I feel like she's becoming more for it. Maybe, I dunno. Maybe I say that to myself so I dun feel bad about her.

Reiko texts me last night that Billie woulda died if she hadn't of been there. I feel horrible, naht for the news, but for my reaction to it. I first thought that Reiko was makin' some sorta bait for me to pick up, and after I mulled it over I realized it weren't that. I wasn't gettin' baited. Billie were unhappy, and she was floundering. She were trying to figure how to take that loss and regain herself. I get it. Gwen was years ago, but it hurt more than most things I can recall. I know what it be like tah have a loss so big that you felt like the definition of yourself went to the wind. Yah stumble like you got no air, then yah pick up the pen and yah redefine yourself. It is for the better, me thinks. You get to discard what had been and you start, almost like new, and what you write is more true to who you are than what had come before it. Billie, on survivin' this, will be more, and will be better.

It feels nearly impossible tah naht be her umbrella, like I was for all those years. Feels weird steppin back from her. I can't be everythin' to everyone. I won't let her drown, but I give her the breath to where she will learn to swim.

I think that maybe those who are the most miserable be those at the top and bottom of the food chain. If you are on the bottom, everyone is tryin' to take a piece. If you're at the top, everyone is tryin' to take a piece. If you can average, somewhere in the unnoticed middle class, you laugh and don't worry about much of anything. That's how I figure it. At the top I spend half my time in the state of bluffin'. I'm half cocked and I'm smirky, but yah gotta be that. If people think yah weak or not confident they put a knife into you. I'm naht gonna die for that.

Then there's Mali. That mess of a woman who I think often be the mess which compliments me. It's not straightforward and Tracey tell me to back off, tah leave her be. It's that or the orange jumpsuit with her in the clink and the kid in services. How's that even remotely work? She's like half deaf. I tell her all about it and it's like she ignores it and wonders why I'm not doing this or that.

I got reasons? Anyone else care?

Marvin's RV is on the fritz. Whose helping him with the spark plugs? Meh.
Ginny needs groceries or there is naht food on her table. Whose puttin' the money in her pocket for that? Meh.
Christmas is comin and we need tah score a job and I gots one lined up just right. Whose workin' with Roy and that mess? Meh.

I'm naht mad about it. Da tol' me like it was by the lake before he died. I was gonna do a hundred things and naht always be noticed. I feel these last months I went and aged by years. I feel sometimes like I wanna connect with someone and that there will never, ever, be someone who look me in the eye and understand. In the end, it's all better if yah just smile and have a beer and do what yah can.

Billie and Levi broke up. It's like the Hurricane everyone knew was gonna hit. Maybe they was meant to be together, just naht now. Billie had no experience outside Levi, and maybe she need that to love him right. Maybe Levi needs a punch in the face, too. Damn if he didn't let his mouth run and those words make path to my ear. What else am I supposed tah do but hit him for it? Yah don't insult a man's sister and just walk away.

I will have my beer, I think. I'll have my split lip from scrappin', my beer and my smile.
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 08, 2015 7:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm being told that Billie tried to kill herself. After I decimated her, she ran to the cemetery and tried to off herself with pills and sweetwater. I think some people are telling me this to make me feel guilty for how I treated her that night. She wasn't ready for the kind of thing that I did, but she was asking for it. It was like we'd get into a public place and she would say things to degrade me or make me feel like I was small or I don't know. Always has been a verbal battle with her. Not sure what made me snap, but I just couldn't take it anymore.

Mark hasn't said anything to me about it really. At first he wouldn't talk to me at all but now it's like very little has changed between he and I. He has the weight of the camp on his shoulders and nobody really to turn to. When he does, they just start spouting off about their troubles. Who listens to Mark? They all expect him to do all of the listening and fixing of things. I think it's bothering him a lot more than he lets on.

It's been a crazy, crazy week. Drama never seems to end and I'm sick of it. Between Billie, Molly and now Lauren, it's like they're the Witches of Eastwick, following us around and waiting with their pointed little hats and broomsticks for an opportunity to cause drama. Take Lauren for example.

We were hanging out at the bar. Quinn, Lauren, Ko and I are just hanging out. Oh, Quinn's friend Sai was there, too. Quinn's teasing the girls and they're all over him. I was just leaning back on the couch, watching, laughing. All of a sudden Lauren punches Quinn right in the junk. No warning, just POW! And she didn't do it on accident either. So while Quinn's rolling around on the ground in pain, she's got this look on her face like she's so superior to him because she punched him where it hurts the most. It pissed me off and we had words.

Weird thing is, after Quinn punched Lauren in the jaw (who could blame him?) the girls were all over Lauren, just pawing and fawning over her like her life was in danger over one punch. And there's no way that getting punched in the jaw hurts more than getting punched in the junk. I know. I've been punched in the jaw and the junk. The junk hurts more, anytime.

Maybe I've stumbled into a matriarchal society. Like the Amazons where the men were practically slaves. Anyway.

Trying to keep stuff from showing in public. I really like Quinn a lot. And he says he's crazy about me. But so soon after that very public break up with Billie? And Mark has no idea I've ever messed around with guys. It was something I did in college, away from the circuit. I don't want anyone here to know. I don't think Mark would ever talk to me again. And the roughnecks have done some pretty bad things to people who are different. Yeah, I'm different in that I've got money and I've got a degree and a license. But the other difference isn't as forgivable.

Feel bad about dragging Quinn back into the closet. He's one light that shines so brightly I think that he can be seen for miles. I just can't let the people around me know. I didn't want Keirra to know, but she's so damn nosey and in my RV all of the time so she was bound to find out.

Went to a function in the Market the other night. Quinn put himself up for auction for charity. Found out later that Mark did, too, which is kind of funny. But they're both really good guys, the salt of the earth. Things didn't go so well. Lauren came in and blurted out in front of Mark and everyone that Quinn and I were being awfully shady trying to hide who we were. Bitch outed me in front of an entire room of people.

And then Molly shows up with her dramatics. She was sick so I gave her some water and crackers. She didn't want anything from me. Her friend Tracey came in and tried to start *** with Mark. After admitting that the baby she's carrying isn't Mark she tried to backtrack but the damage was done. Mark's so done with her and I, for one, am ecstatic for him. He's hurting pretty badly but doesn't let on. I can see it in his eyes. Saw Gwen go into his camper a couple of times. Think he's just blowing off steam.

So Quinn was on the block. The plan had been for Keirra to buy Quinn and then we all go to this ball together. But something inside of me said that was my moment. That was the time to come out and let Mark know and let the chips fall where they may. And then I saw the look on Mark's face. He looked really mad. I put my hands up and said just kidding, but the auction was done and I shelled out 10k for a date with Quinn. Now Keirra's miffed and Mark's angry because i didn't let Ko win.

Maybe I should crawl under a rock some where. There's no drama under rocks. Right? Life's never that simple though. Heading to Loiuse City to get a guy out of jail. It's a favor for Mark so that he can get a favor owed to him. Quinn's coming with me. Should be an interesting week.
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It's over, nothing's over
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God only knows what I would do to you

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 09, 2015 4:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tattoos don't hurt, not like I thought they would. Nothing really hurts anymore. Not sure why I bother writing in this diary. Nothing important to say.

My stay at farm was short. Strange people showed up and started carting things off. Was really odd. Was told rather bluntly to leave. So I left.

Already lost 20 pounds. Just can't be bothered to eat. Not hungry.

Staying at the Inn. Not told anyone. People have their own issues to deal with, no one wants to hear my stupid self least of all Mark.

Can't be bothered.
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 21, 2015 2:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've thought about throwing this thing in the fire and giving up writing down my thoughts. It just seems silly now. Not silly more like painful. the more I think about things the more things seem to turn into a knife.

Things seem to be.... I can't even think of the right word. Levi told Mark I was tricking? Never actually said I was, I called myself a whore cause that is what I felt like since he said I made things so easy cause I threw myself at him. God I feel like such a freaking moron. Not actually done anything or been with anyone. Not even kissed anyone else. Got myself into a pickle with someone, which was actually a female, at least I think it was a female, it had boobs... but damn if she wasn't strong.

People are looking at me like I'm the bad guy, like I did something wrong. I had thought Keirra and I were friends, but that seemed to go right out the window. Her, Levi and Quinn are all close and chummy. How am I supposed to feel about that? How am I supposed to deal with that? Even the others about camp seem to be turning like I commited a sin. Only person that give a damn is Mark but I'm not going to lean on him, he has his own issues and Levi is still his best friend. I can't hang around them, so that leaves me where exactly? I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. Not at camp, not at the bar, not anywhere.

Truth is knowing that Levi was or is gay didn't come as a shock really given all the joking and I never really felt like her really loved me which he made clear with the truth that he'd not have treated Keirra like he did me. I think that's what hurt more, known him all my life and I am somehow worth less to him than someone that has only been part of the 'family' a short time. Nothing against Keirra, just what does that say about me? Am I really that worthless? If I was thin and pretty then perhaps people wouldn't treat me like this. I just want to forget everything.
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