By GAVILEAN STARFARE
RHYDIN It's no surprise to anyone that our city's Inns can be a dangerous place to congregate. We've grown accustomed to blood on the floor, people coming in staggering with limbs torn off, deadly Stew, evil looks from evil people, wooden spoons, and loose fitting bar stool seats.
It has often been thought that the booths within our Inns are a reasonably secure and safe place to sit and talk without having to dodge bullets, food, and vomit. However a recent crime study has revealed that the booths of our Inns are perhaps among the most dangerous places around.
Janice Garner of 'Citizens for Safety' recently stated, "More children have been conceived in our booths than in our beds; there's more going on beneath the tables in our booths than beneath the table in the governor's office. Something has to be done to stop the F.I.B.B.s!" By FIBBS she was referring to "Fresh and Immoral Booth Behaviors."
But that's only the beginning. Unsuspecting women, lured to the booths by charismatic, cigarette smoking men, have become victims of demonic forces who lurk within the walls, seats and salt shakers of our booths.
The above photo was taken just before the lovely inn patron was pulled through the wall and never seen again.
Sgt. Ralph Malicher told our reporter, "A more common form of our BDSM (Booth Danger and Survival Methods)
abuses comes when drunk and disorderly men deliberately break their glassware in order to see how wet and sudsy they can make their dates so that the clothes of their dates will have to be removed. It's an old trick, but it evidently still works."
Unsuspecting date becomes a victim of Booth Abuse.
"It would be an even greater tragedy if his horrible Booth Abuse were to include the breakage of the beautiful mugs that our Piper Potter has made and delivered to the RDI," said one of our RDI Hosts who preferred to remain nameless. "We can't stress enough to the women of RhyDin that they only enter a booth with a man they know well and trust."
By GAVILEAN STARFARE
RHYDINThe RhyDin Center for Stress Management recently released a study that has shown that one out of every four of those who currently reside in our city and visit our Inns, Shops, Marketplaces and Harbor actually have no business being here.
One in four Rhydinians find a log flume ride to be terrifying.
"Our city is just too stressful for 25% of our population," wrote Margaret Presser. "Our city happens to be best suited for those who are fearless and can handle all kinds of brutal behavior, threats, flowing blood, beatings, smelly dragons, and all forms of psychotic behavior. Not everyone is equipped to handle such things. It's not their fault. They just don't have the intestinal fortitude to handle the everyday catastrophes of our fair land."
The research included putting people through many forms of stress-causing situations. One of the more benign tests was a simple log flume ride at a local amusement park. It was noticed that 75% of people of all ages actually found this ride to be an enjoyable experience. However, it was also noticed that one in four people could not handle even that simple stress. For that person who found the log flume ride to be excruciatingly terrifying, to live in RhyDin would very likely bring heart failure, comatose states of existence, and even death. "Such persons should be escorted to more warm and fuzzy countries," Margaret added.
By GAVILEAN STARFARE
RHYDINIt cannot be argued that the proliferation of pirates in our fair city has brought about come colorful behavior and added cultural diversity to our neighborhoods. However, recently the question has been raised, asking if these sea-faring transients are beginning to become a destructive influence?
A victim of the recent aggression of Pirate James Black. "Pirates are getting to be a pain in the neck," the victim said.
Jane Valenzula of the "Live by Example" group within the Council of RhyDin Churches, has been vocal in her attack against the influence that pirates are having in our city. "Certain pirates are so rude and lewd in our public places that they should be locked away and their mouths wash out with soap for a week!" she was heard saying. "I've never heard such sexually suggestive language in my entire life when in the Inn the other night. Furthermore, I was groped! I was groped many times within a single 15 minute period when I went to the inn for a cherry soda. It was disgraceful. Pirates need to be taught to keep their hands to themselves, and I'm just the one to do it!"
There has also been concern about the influence that certain pirates are having on our upcoming election for governor. "What the (explicative deleted) is going on here?" asked Jim Jackson, a local shop keeper. "We've had a pirate running for governor, a pirate calling for no confidence you'd think pirates are politicians! Why can't they just keep to their ships, say 'Argh', drink rum, and call each other salty dogs? Why are they getting involved with important things? They'll just be sailing away when it's all over."
We're also seen pirates becoming more violent and less self-restrained. Cutlasses seem to be flying everywhere. The new governor may have her or his hands full trying to cope with sociopathic pirate behaviors.
Bartholomew Bafflebottom was discovered frozen to a fountain in the Town Square after a snowstorm. After a brief examination, authorities announced the cause of death was exposure to the elements. Mark Happy with the RhyDin Coroner's office said, "I mean, it's rather obvious, isn't it? The man froze to death. We had to find a wizard to thaw him out before we could pry him off the ice."
Bafflebottom, a local businessman, recently gained a small amount of notoriety after he vociferously accused the RhyDin Thieves Guild of robbery and arson. Protesting crime and corruption in the city, he had taken to camping out in the Town Square to draw attention to his concerns.
At his family's request, no services will be held.
Charlie expired due to respiratory distress brought on by lack of oxygen saturation in his blood stream. He was beloved by all that knew him and is survived by an extended family and many friends of all ages. There will be a memorial service and donations are being accepted.
As a sidenote the Aquarium staff plans to replace the grate on the filter system with one that has a smaller pattern to prevent future hazzards to the marine life.
All Creatures Big and Small
EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES: The Prestigious Bonny Corporation is currently seeking a new Spiritual Advisor, and a Staff Necromancer. Due to potential conflicts of interest these roles will not be filled by the same person. To send resumes or schedule employment interviews, please contact Mary Read. Part-time or contract work may be negotiated.
Attention all Heroes and Heroines of RhyDin! Notice things are getting a little out of hand? Do you feel our City Guard is too overwhelmed to catch the masterminds behind these plots? Are there too many wrong doings and not enough action? Do you feel safe when you close your eyes at night?
Well don't just talk about it, be about it! The members of the Grayskull Estate are actively looking for skilled and trained individuals to protect our fair city and planet from the forces of corruption and evil!
We are looking for those that wish to take up arms against these Forces, and assist the government to make the city safe for all who walk the streets that they call home. Our goal is to unite all the Heroes and Heroines under one banner, and work in a Democratic fashion to bring justice to RhyDin.
Don't wait any longer, your city needs you!
Contact the Grayskull Estate… today!
((Please send a message to Wolvinator if you wish to join. In your PM please include Characters name, age, race, gender, special abilities, and a quick character back story or link to a back story, does not have to be in depth. Thanks!))
WANTED Talented, attractive girls desired to staff a paid 'escort service.' Those interested in employment should stop by Ame Corrumpue Manor to contact Jamie Kilner. Prudes need not apply.
Amber Cartwrite announces:
By the barrels or by the Kegs
Order your Root Beer from Crazy Legs
The finest Root Beer delivered.
-Official Root Beer Of the Red Dragon Inn-
Speciality Dwarven Brews, in limited quantities.
Crazy Legs Brewing Company, Ltd.
~At the sign of the Red and White Stripe Stockings~
Scathachian Sanctuary Negotiation-irradication services for victims of injustice. For consultation interview (including fees), one may contact the Sanctuary directly, or Isuelt DeRomiano at the Red Dragon Inn.
Only serious inquiries please. Messages may be left at the Red Dragon Inn in care of Guthorm Othinsson.
Guthorm Othinsson is looking for work as a "Gar Bag Collector!" He says he is willing to "rub out your gar bag" for you anytime, anywhere, in RhyDin and surrounding areas. This Norseman comes with a sterling reputation for always getting the job done no matter how small or how large it may be you can count on Guthorm Othinsson to see to it that the work is done and done right the first time!
Hellballs Leather Goods "When you need more than skin, Hellballs Leather Goods. After all, it's your hide you are protecting." To place your order or for more information contact Woody Sprite. You can leave a message for him at the Red Dragon Inn.
Starfare Wedding Boutique We here at Starfare Wedding Boutique offer several different plans to make that once in a lifetime occasion something that you and the love of your life can look back on with fond memories as your paths become one forevermore. For more information contact Gavilean or Tera Starfare either at their home or their mail boxes at the Red Dragon Inn.
To submit your classified send a ((private)) message to the Editor.