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Silent Echoes

 
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Nick Allen
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2016 10:43 pm    Post subject: Silent Echoes Reply with quote

Rhydin October 31, 2033

Averia Caelum
13 Underwood Avenue,
New Haven


Dwight had needed to clear away the dust on the package in order to be able to read the address. They’d all seen it sitting there on the counter and wondered if it were really going out. Some of the talk among the couriers had to do with people who’d come and gone in less time than this particular parcel had sat awaiting delivery. Fortunately for Dwight, or unfortunately depending on who you asked, the address fell on his route. He hadn’t been with the courier company for long, at least if you measured that against how long this delivery had been waiting to be made. Some of his coworkers were laughing at him as he set out for his daily grind. Others were intrigued and told him to remember everything. It all meant the same thing, they’d wanted to be the one to see who would be receiving shipment. The driveway, like so many in New Haven was long enough to be a street in its own right. Not that Dwight would ever get the opportunity to drive on it. He was stopped at the gate, and the bundle was signed for by a guard who was all business and no small talk. About all Dwight managed to glean from this delivery was a low toned conversation as the guard handed the prize to another and advised him to ‘run it by the dogs.’ as though he expected it to go off in his hands. He hadn’t considered that possibility before, now he was more than happy to get hastily into his brown truck and drive away considering the entire event a near miss on the bad things list.

The package itself probably hadn’t seen this much activity since it was brought to the courier company. Perhaps not then either, as it passed from one place to another. The dogs found nothing to raise even a whimper. It found itself in the hands of a house mage, who spent a great deal of time scrying over the package to rule out magical spells or traps. Finding nothing of note, he cast a simple identify spell over it. Several heartbeats passed before he looked up and nodded his approval. “It seems to be just a bundle of letters, have it delivered to Miss Averia assuming her mother approves.” An hour after its arrival the package would land safely into the hands it was intended for and reveal a large string tied bundle of letters.
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2016 10:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

12 August 2016

Avy, no I’m feeling serious right now and you’re not really a kid anymore. Besides, I like your name. Let’s try that again.

Averia,

I meant to do this a long time ago. I just couldn’t find the will to I guess? I don’t know, I let it all build up and now it’s all in my head,I don’t know where else to go. You won’t see this, I don’t even know if I want you to. Except that I do in a way, if only to know that I think about you over and over again. I think about when you came into the shop, and the things I said. They weren’t what I should have said. They weren’t what I really wanted to say. Seeing you was just unexpected, seeing you, damn I’d forgotten how dark your hair is.More than that, I’d forgotten how often I’ve felt the need to reach out just to make sure it’s real. It wasn’t always about pulling braids Avy. Your cheeks were flushed, the color setting off your hair, and those incredible eyes. Sometimes the way you look at me hurts to even think about. Why? I don’t understand why it is that way, except for that last look. It took everything I had to leave Avy. Can you even begin to understand how you affect me? I wonder if you do, and maybe that’s why you do it.

I don’t know when it happened, I don’t know anything anymore, except that somewhere along the line I stopped teasing you to look good to everyone else, and started to do it just because I wanted to see you react. I wanted to be the one that made it happen. Selfishly I wanted those eyes on me alone. I didn’t know it at the time, or if I did I’d never admit to it. Not even to myself apparently. Not until I’m lost in time, and it’s much too late. I’d give more than I’m worth to have a breeze drift through that gives off even the barest resemblance to the scent of your hair. Or to have it whistle in a tone so otherworldly beautiful, that just the memory of it stabs me with the reminder that I am not going to hear it again. I’m not, am I? I dreamed last night, of the moment I left you, but that wasn’t the real me. I was watching as it happened and begging you not to let me go. So much would have been alright if you’d just held on too tight for me to move.

Maybe these thoughts are silly, or stupid. Maybe I’m crazy and the only one of us that’s thinking these things. If I am crazy, it doesn’t matter because you’re there, and I’m here alone wishing more than anything that you had come too. I could really use one of those vice like hugs right now.

I could really use you right now,

Nikolai

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 09, 2016 7:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

13 August 2016

Averia,

Thank you for last night. I know all the rational arguments that I’d be given, but nothing about what I felt was rational. Hell beautiful, this is Rhydin and that makes anything possible. I have faith in little, I have it in that. I have it in you too, Maybe you would know that I needed you? Maybe someone found him and you heard. Things went badly so quickly, Avy. They were waiting for someone to try, the men in the purple cloaks with the glowing red tattoos. I get why they didn’t try before this, I hope someone found him and took care of him. My brothers are too young, and I’m here. Annabeth is gone, he really has no one left except those who call him friend.

I may not know the reasons behind how it happened, but I know that you were here. I felt your arms, smelled your perfume and finally was able to sleep. That I’d just finished my letter to you could have been the cause, how far can a heartstring be pulled if it’s going straight to you? I do not believe that it had anything to do with a lack of sleep either, I’m just as sure to feel it again tonight as I did. If I can’t have you, at least you’ve found some way to send the essence of you. Or was it an accident? Whatever the circumstances it… you felt wonderful, and I woke up and was finally able to move towards my purpose here.

There’s been no sign of Addie, but I’ve only just begun. I tried the simple way first, a name in the phone book, but came up empty. She really could be anywhere by now. I mean I say that, but I think that my father knows, knew where she was or is. All this time talk is difficult, but what I mean is, that if she were in a different place in this time, that is where I’d be. She’s in this city, and I’m only going to get closer as I extend my search outward from Aunt Raye’s. I tried to find our usual haunt, but they don’t exist yet. I was tempted to see her mother, but… It’s been a long week and I’ve already seen enough of the dead.

I heard about a party that happened, I just missed it, but I’m sure she would have gone there. It was at the New Haven Manor. I could only smile when I heard it was a pool party, remembering how we broke in for a late night swim. Do you remember? I remember the warmth of the water, and being so tantalizingly close to you. I remember the feel of your fingertips as they traced my tattoo and the way you looked at me. Do you know how badly I needed to kiss you then? Or to pull you close until even the water could find no way to come between us. Did your mother ever find out? I think she’d probably find her way here and kill me with her bare hands. These are the moments that keep me going now, and they are the ones that I come back to time and again when I’m hunting for Addie.

They are the ones that I linger on when I lay in bed with my eyes tightly shut. I miss you so much, Avy. My heart beats, my lungs breathe... but

Without you here, I’m not really alive,

Nikolai


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 11, 2016 12:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

14 August 2016

Averia,

90 per minute. 540 per hour. 12960 per day, 90,720 for the week. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve seen you, since I held you in my arms and each one of those ninety thousand heartbeats misses you. Thinking about it, knowing it my chest hurts and the only cure is beyond my reach. My hands are angry with me for taking away their addiction to the gossamer touch o obsidian tresses. My lips burn to taste once more the flavor of you, but I cannot give them satisfaction. I can’t accomodate my shoulders and back by giving them the exploration of you fingertips. Your scent is gone, the vision of your movements, all power and grace is gone. My name in your voice formed from lips that I could spend hours kissing… all gone. A week gone, and if possible it feels worse today than that first night. Maybe it’s because I know that getting back may be impossible. It can’t be impossible Avy! This can’t be what we were fated for. I just can’t let this be all I have left of you. Avy, my beautiful archer tell me you can’t let it be either. Tell me that you’ve found a way for us to be together today, that you too can’t wait to hold me once again. Tell me that you miss me as much as I miss you, and once you’ve finished with words. Show me.

Another day empty, or nearly. I did not see Addie, but I think I spotted someone else. I’m not sure if you know Camilla or not. I’m not even sure it was really her, but I followed her for the day, and the more I did so the more I came to believe. If it’s her, I might find some information, something that will give me a lead on Addie. I’ll try tomorrow, even if I have to wait outside her door for her to come home. She’ll tell me what I need to know. I do need it, because there is no other way back to you.

I’ve been thinking about those men, the ones that attacked the forge and killed my father. I hate them Avy, all of them. The thought of them placing one insane digit on your perfect skin makes me burn so hotly I actually had to stop writing for fear of catching this on fire. I need weapons though Avy, I have almost no money. I believe that was to be another part of my father’s plans, why he needed to come with me. He’d have had access to things I do not. There’s only one thing I can think of to do, but I don’t want to talk about that right now. I need time to think before I act.

I will look for you again tonight, and when you come I will revel in your embrace, and keep you so close to me that I’ll no longer know where my spirit ends, and yours begins. It’s all I have of you, and I won’t give it up. Not when it smothers me in hope. I will see you again, I will, and when I do, no matter what anyone tries to say or do...

I’ll make up for every heartbeat without you,

Nikolai


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2016 9:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

15 August 2016

Averia,

Forgive me, I’m a little drunk right now. Okay, maybe a lot drunk odd how the world seems to spin out of control. I’ve been this way for a while. Not drunk, but spinning so hard and fast, and nothing I do stops it. It’s like the moment I let you go everything that I am lost its anchor. How stupid does that sound. I can’t help sounding this way, It happens all the time, especially when you’re close. I’m sitting here wearing a smile because every blink of my eyes shows me that smile you have that I just can’t resist. It burns its way through my every defense. How did you get so beautiful?

There are so many things that I can’t stop remembering about who you are. I remember the girl with the silver eyes, maybe a little awkward as she was finally allowed out with us. You didn’t say much then, but I could tell you were always thinking. God how big those eyes are that see everything so clearly.Right through me I’m sure. Growing up is a strange collection of things. Memories that flood you whether it is the right or wrong time. How many times did we come away with an immaculate Avy, only to return her as dusty and tousled as we were? We could have been any street urchin, but you… I don’t think anything could ever shake that regal radiance of yours.

I’ll admit, back then I found it a little imposing, Little Avy so steadfast and powerful. I miss it. I’d like to see you come to me the way you used to one more time, if only once so that I could make you a disheveled mess. But Avy, this time I wouldn’t take you through the dirtiest parts of town, I’d use my own hands to unpin your hair, and and do my utmost to do my utmost to shake the unshakeable Averia. To leave her breathless and unsteady and holding to me like her anchor when her world is spinning out of control.

Forgive me again, because I know how you hate when I do things I shouldn’t. I did that today, and probably more than that, though today was a little different. I told you about seeing Camillia, and yes it was her. She did not know where Addie was, but she did confirm that Addi is at least here. I also told you that I’d been thinking about those men who attacked. Just something vaguely familiar about them. I don’t mean like I know who they were, just a feel that I’ve seen the sort. I’m grossly under prepared for confrontation, especially if they are what I believe them to be. I convinced Camillia to break into a shop with me. I know, with her it never takes much convincing to get into trouble. I know Avy… I shouldn’t be so
Nikolai! Still I needed something to help balance the scales. My father’s place seemed like the best place to go. I guess I finally figured out what happened to those old hammers of his. I’m wearing them now. Maybe part of him did make it through.

There is some good news, even if it comes from wicked deeds. My father, the one from this time had some clues to finding Addie. Did you know she was in a band? That might have helped a lot, but there was also a magazine with her face on the cover. It was a sports mag of all things. Can you see her being all go team? Me either. Let me read a little of it to you.


There are currently thirty six fighters in the fists forum that rank emerald and above. I know, I counted. Six of those are title holders, twenty nine of the remaining aren’t the person that I interviewed. I found one there that I hadn’t expected to see, one that I hadn’t even known was a fighter. This is my fault of course, and it is why today I know the number of the highest ranked fighters. A little last minute research does wonders.

Addie Alcar…

Emerald ranking means she’s got to spend quite a bit of time there.I’m going to find her, I just know I am. I hope that soon I’ll find you too, and show you exactly what I mean by making you a tangled mess. Do you think it’s wrong for me to want you that way for just a little while?


Even if it would make us both breathless and happy?

Say it with your eyes, and that smile that I have no defense against. Ask me that way and…

I will deny you nothing,

Nikolai


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2016 7:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

16 August 2016

Sweetest Averia,

Does that sound dumb? I’m tired of sounding dumb when I talk to you, but I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know, I think all these things, but nothing really encompasses the real you. Not to me at least. I mean Dear is so bland and means nothing. Darling might work, I’ll try a few until I find the one that I think fits you best. Until then, tonight it will be sweetest.

It occurred to me that I tell you all these things that I want to say or do, but I never really say the why of it. Yes you are beautiful, achingly so, and while this might be enough for most guys, there is so much more to it than that. I’ve been trying to put a point on this for me, What was it about you that I noticed first? Quite frankly Avy, you were a know it all, or that was how it seemed as you prattled on moving from one subject to another. Did you know that it took almost a full three weeks for you to touch on the same subject twice. At least while I was around. I can’t believe how much you now, and somewhere in that cascade of words you let me get a word or two in. Okay it was only one word, a name really, Heidegger. You stopped dead in your tracks and stared after us, no it was after me.

That wasn’t all though, I heard, or thought I did anyway, the smallest of gasps out of you. I don’t know what that was about, whether you were surprised that I knew the name, or that I said it so easily. Maybe it was that someone had been listening after all.

When you caught up, we got into the biggest argument over Metaphysical presence, and oh my god you had so much passion. What was that , thirteen, or fourteen? Addie obviously got tired of it because she told us to get a room, which had us both sputtering with negative responses to her. Twenty minutes later though, we had all just reached the shortcut to your place, but it was a big mud hole. Addie said you shouldn’t have worn that dress. I’m not so sure you had a choice in the matter. I offered to carry you across. That only made you madder. You were the first one into that bogg. Addie gave me the now look what you did punch in the shoulder. I don’t think I went a day without getting at least one of those.

Nobody could tell you what to do, or what not to. I shrugged at Addie and just told her I thought you looked nice. I don’t think you heard me, not over that mumbling you were doing. I wish I knew now what you were saying. It’s after that when i started to notice that you always looked nice. Even when there was mud on your face that I only made words when I tried to wipe it off. You probably thought I was being mean, or playing a game. I just wanted an excuse to touch you. Now I just want you close, so I don’t have to stop.

It’s Tuesday, no duels anywhere but on the Island. I went, but she wasn’t there. Andrea was and so was Lilith and I was scared out of my mind when I stepped into the rings myself. I didn’t win, I came close but… Tomorrow is another day.

God Avy I miss you! Why did I not change my mind? Why didn’t you? My sweetest Averia, am I alone in these thoughts? Do you want this?

Do you want me?

Nikolai


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2016 8:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

29 August 2016

My Averia,

I cannot find another word that fully says what I feel. That’s not true, I know the word and am afraid to say it, to even look at it in my own hand. Not because it isn’t the truth, but to put it down here, to utter it would destroy me if I couldn’t make it back to you. Or worse perhaps to make it back and find that what’s in my heart is in mine alone. I’d rather fall here than have that revealed to me. How long does it take for that to embed itself into a heart? How long has it been for me? I’d like to say that it’s just been this few weeks of letters that have brought me here. I know that isn’t the case. I may have found my way through simple words scrawled on a page, but I know better now.

Too many years it’s been there building slowly and hiding beneath other worries. What worries you ask? I’m not good enough for you. I’ll never be what you need. Those are my worries, there are more, not the least of which is… I’ve been afraid of getting hurt, of desiring something so badly that I am powerless when in the reality it is only me. I don’t have time for those worries now, or care what happens when I come home again. I care about you, and keeping you close. I care about how being near you makes me feel alive. I care only that you know everything in my heart and head. If I find that you don’t feel the same… please feel the same my Avy… I will adore you from a distance. You will know that with every look I give you that it has not changed for me.

If you were anyone else, I’d say that you sending me away was all I needed to know, but you are you. I know you Avy, better than I probably should. For you duty has always come first. It makes you strong, stronger than me to sit here slowly falling apart because I can’t even get a glimpse of that heart filling smile. It does you know, and I believe it will forever. Oh Avy, my Avy, will you give them to me forever?

Today I had some success. Today I spotted Addie, though she was alone. The place that she went was safe enough. It was The Annex and they were celebrating his birthday. I couldn’t make myself witness that. I don’t know why Kane wasn’t with her, Maybe something has happened to him? Regardless I waited for her to leave, I’m going to give it a little more time. When I approach it should be with both of them present. I don’t want to have to do this twice, or maybe I’m just afraid that seeing her, talking to her will only confirm that we’re stuck here. I managed to stay out of sight, you know how bad I am at that. I think mostly I was able to because she didn’t seem to even pay attention to anything as she walked. It’s like she doesn’t care what’s around the next corner. Fortunately she didn’t have to. I did that for her. Not that there was anything to see, but how can I know until I get there, right? I’ll keep you posted, if I don’t see Kane soon, I’ll go to Addie and we’ll face this together.

I know you aren’t as big a mess right now as I am. You’ve always been the strong one Avy. You’ve always been the one to see what needed doing and getting it done. I’ve always admired that in you. How did you get so strong? It makes me miss the carefree days of high tied at Belglade, when we’d jump from the cliffs into the ocean below. Addie may have been the heart of our little crew, and Alex may have been the excitement, but without you, we were just all messed up. Me, I was just lucky to be there with you all. Are you worried? Think about this, when I see you again, I’ll kiss the crease from between those eyebrows and slowly…

make everything okay again.

Nikolai


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 20, 2016 6:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

7 September 2016

My Averia,

I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written you. If you want to know the reason, Addie’s kind of a night owl. I was afraid to write you while following her, because I’ll lose myself in the words I say to you. I want to get lost in them, and the things that they mean. I want to lose time with you, not be lost in it. I found a picture today in my phone. I don’t know where it came from, but I remember the day. I was at a tournament, it really surprised me to find you all there cheering for me. I think it was the first time you’d gotten out after coming back from one of what I’m calling the Lucis weeks. I’ve always hated the time you all would leave me here, it got even worse after Addie’s mom. The weather had turned cooler kind of suddenly and someone… I won’t say any names Avy, but someone wasn’t quite dressed appropriately for the change. In the picture you’re wearing my sweatshirt, the sleeves are too long and the shoulders are way too wide. You have the greatest smile in it. Did someone borrow my phone while I was racing? I can’t remember, but I think someone must have. What did they say to make you smile that way? I’m glad I found this tonight, though I haven’t seen that shirt since then. Do you know what I did with it?

I guess I’ll be really honest and say that I hope you still have it, that you dig it out when you’re far away just to feel a little closer to me. I know you have several hats of mine, but they always looked better on you anyway. I’d give anything to be that shirt for just the few hours that you’re wearing it. I know that sounds kind of pervy, but wrapping myself around you and keeping you warm, isn’t that what I’ve been trying to say the whole time? I may have said other things too, and mean those just as much. This is more than physical for me though. I am a guy, certainly not blind, and you’re you. I think that’s pretty volatile. I should probably talk about Addie now since I know I could go on forever about you, and there’s important things to say regarding her.

I met up with her tonight, followed her all the way to the Outback. I might have hung back for a while, but the place was practically empty, and it just seemed better to make myself known. We talked, a lot really since we haven’t seen each other for a long time. She’s got a lot going on, writing songs for her band and dueling. She seems like she’s doing better than I am, and maybe she is. Kane’s not dead by the way, though part of me would prefer that to what’s real. They are no longer together. Addie let him go, and well, Kane went. I don’t want to talk about how that makes me feel, it’s not good though. I’d been following her for a while, and she kept going to this huge house over in Seaside. It’s hers, so she’s definitely doing pretty well for herself.

She’s different though Avy, not the same girl we grew up with. I’m sure that there is plenty of reasons for that to be so, but I still wish it weren’t so. She’s got this crazy roommate, but i’ll tell you more about Michi another time. I haven’t gotten the real story out of her yet. She spent the night telling me about all the good things going on. For Addie that means she’s trying to act like there’s nothing more happening. There is more though. I might have doubted it at first, but the hard sell she was giving me, and the decided avoidance of some of my questions tells a different tale. It was so good to see her, Avy. I squeezed her so hard I thought she might break in half. I’m at her place now, in the spare bedroom. I think she thinks I’m asleep, but you know I can’t sleep until I’ve talked to you. Yes that means it’s been a long week.

I want to go back a moment, Avy, to what I was saying before. I’m not sure I was clear enough. Yes, physically you excite me out of my *** mind. But I want more, I want to intrigue your mind and inspire your soul. I want to be the one that eases your sorrows and shares your joys. I do not feel like I’m nearly good enough for you, but don’t worry because I’m sure that no one else is or ever will be. I can, and I will. My Avy, put that argent gaze on me…

And never look away.

Nikolai



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PostPosted: Thu Sep 22, 2016 7:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

10 September 2016

My Averia,

Bear with me here, angel, because I have a lot to say but I’m not feeling so organized. I’d like to start out talking about you and me. The thing is, that I’m kind of reeling from a lot of things that happened. I should get those out of the way so that I can do what I really want to do by focusing on you… and me. Three days with Addie, and I’ve realized something important. There is no need to look any further for Kane. Whatever happened between them is just that. I’m here for her, and will simply let my own issues fall away. I’m certain that if a cavalry is needed, there will be one available even if I don’t have names and faces. I hope it doesn’t come to that either.

I did meet someone new named Romeo. He’s Tall, blonde and yes Addie’s really into him. I’m not going to make any references to the type, you already know more than I do I’m sure. What do I think? What do I think… I’m not sure because I’m torn all over the place. For so long it was just the four of us, others tried to come in, but they couldn’t seem to mesh in very well. A few weeks here and there, and then they were gone again. Would Ro have fit in? I believe he would have, but that gives me a problem saying it too. He’s older, good looking and honestly I think you’d have passed over me in favor of him. If you haven’t passed over me that is. I’m also pretty sure that our little group couldn’t have handled one more guaranteed trouble maker. So what would that mean? Alex is your brother, and Addie… well she’s gaga now, so back then it would have been the same. I’d have been the one edged out. It also means that I wouldn’t have been the person you ran to for this. It would have been him, and he’d be here now, and I’m really afraid that he’d have broken your heart.

The real hell of it is that you’d barely remember me, and wouldn’t come to me to ease that pain. I write that, and hate him for breaking your heart, which he hasn’t done. Tears in your eyes is like a vice on my soul, squeezing it until I am empty. It’d be like what’s his name, you remember, Mr. Perfect. The guy you got dressed into that sexy little black and white number for and snuck out of the house. The one that Alex and I convinced shouldn’t be talking to you. I know Alex got mad about the outfit, but looking back, and thinking as I do now I have to say… You looked so good my brain went numb. I was a little upset too, though I think maybe it was because you’d never done that for me. I wonder if you ever talk to him. Or if he comes by. I tried to talk to him not so long ago. You know I figured that maybe Alex and I were out of line and was going to apologize. I would have too, he seemed to take it all in stride. Of course then he laughingly said that if it hadn’t been for the two of us that he’d have “Tapped That…” I have to end the quote there because he never got a chance to finish it. If you do happen to see him driving around in that little red Mazda, take a look at the driver side front fender. That dent is the exact shape of his head.

I was in a holding cell for three days, but nobody better disrespect you, not where I can hear them. I haven’t told that to Alex yet. It honestly hasn’t come up. I’m not sure why I’m telling you. I’m sure of only one thing out of all of this, I can’t take it when you cry, I never want to be the one that makes it happen. The last thing I’d ever want to happen is to be the one that breaks your heart. I wouldn’t have to see it. Just knowing it would end me half a heartbeat later.

I’m happier now, maybe you’ve noticed. Not quite so lonely, even though that changes every night when I am by myself again. That’s when I go over in my mind all the things I wish you’d seen and done with me. Like the beach this morning, guys on boards riding the waves. The only thing missing was one perfect silhouette showing them all how much they had to learn. You’re so *** amazing on that thing. I took a long run today too, almost all the way from Dockside back to Addie’s. I had to stop, because let’s be honest, Seaside is really nice, and pretty, but it’s *** for free running. I needed my partners though, Avy and Alex because I miss the laughter.

No, I miss your laughter.

Nikolai


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2016 7:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

18 September 2016

My Averia,

I’m sorry to say that you missed the most sacred night of all in our little coterie. Blanket Fort night, it just seemed like a good idea at the time. I guess it was really. Addie and I talked a lot. She told me about what happened, I won’t go into too many details, I’ll let her share everything with you in her own way. What I will say is that the damage was kind of unintentionally self inflicted, but the root cause, that goes back likely to the previous feeling you had. Something happened that unbalanced things. I mean, Addie did a good thing for the right reasons, but in doing so, her world has gone off kilter. It’s too late to stop that, but maybe it can be fixed somehow. There must be something that can push the scales back to even. We’ll figure it out, and that will be the last thing I do here. Then I’m coming home to you.

You’re going to kill Addie for telling me this, and then she’ll kill me for telling you that she told. I know now Avy. I know about how you feel, and I swear it makes dizzy in the knowing. If it helps, I told her too, and now I have been given the Nickname of Big Dummy for not noticing. Much as I hate to agree on this point, I have no choice. I am big and dumb for not noticing. I am also that for keeping my own feelings locked inside some impenetrable vault. I wish I’d noticed years ago, but I wouldn’t let myself. I didn’t want to be caught wanting someone that could never be mine, or hurt every time I looked at you. I may have been able to avoid it then, but now… now I know that feeling, except that you aren’t around for me to look at. The loss of it hasn’t stopped my mind though, bringing you to the forefront every day.

Those thoughts hurt if I don’t stop myself from remembering where I am and what it will take to return. You are the last thing in my thoughts as I drift to sleep, the first when my eyes open. Some would call me a sap, and maybe they’d be right, but no one else would ever be enough for me. I’d rather be alone knowing that you do care for me as I do you, than with anyone else. If that means that I’m going to spend the rest of my life wondering what it would be like to cross that invisible line we’ve always maintained then so be it. It won’t be because I haven’t come to you and told you, shown you how I feel. It won’t be because I’ve hesitated and now it is too late. The only one who can make it be too late is you.

I’ve done so many things that I need to make up for, Avy. I’ve teased you, pulled your hair, called you names. I’ve kept you out claiming a boys only club, and even run from you. Those are my mistakes, and I will shoulder them as I surely must. I’ve done other things too, laughed with you, and argued over whatever point you thought important enough to try and drill into me. I’ve run the roofs with you, and carried you home when you’ve been hurt from that running. The entire way, and long after I felt guilty over it, but secretly I enjoyed the press of you on my back, and the hint of your perfume. Sometimes I can still feel your breath on my face. The ache for you still runs so deeply in me.

Why was I not allowed to know, to see? I’m here out of love, and duty, to Addie, but also to you. Will we always be so torn in half for the ones we love most? It’s a tricky situation. If I had stayed, nothing would have changed for me. I’d still watch you from afar, wish I had the courage to face my own feelings and lose every time I saw you. Here I am aware, I am determined and still I lose, only it’s every time I don’t see you. My Averia, those two words so complex were simple by comparison to what they mean now. You are my driving purpose. I move forward, only because that is the way to you. I move forward…

...on my way to you.

Nikolai


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 01, 2016 4:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

2 October 2016

My Averia,

It’s October again, and Sunday night. I spent the night deuling. I might be getting pretty good at it. I’m also counting down the days until my birthday. I thought about it today and came to a strange realization. I may not be there for yours. I had hoped to be there, I still do if you want the truth. I must face certain facts though, and those are that I have no idea where I will be when that day rolls around. I’m sure you noticed the digital card in the envelope already, It’s my gift to you. It’s funny, because this is Addie’s band's new album, but by the time you get it… if you get it… All the music will be almost as old as you. Some things about how I managed to get a copy, even though it has yet to hit the stores. Addie let me tag along to a few recording sessions. I guess she knows me pretty well by now too. At least she understands how I’m feeling, but she suggested that I put it in a song. Maybe it’s what she does?

Anyway, I managed to make some lyrics and get some help with the music. This is a copy of the tech guy’s master copy. Which he made for me at Addie’s insistence. The fifteenth track is actually still Heart of Iron, which I was just kind of poking around with, but they actually made me sing it for real. That’s Addie on the guitar, my chord changes are horrible. I think maybe there are only two copies that have this. Addie has been teasing me about including it, but I’m not nearly good enough for that. It would probably make all the band’s fans hate the album. I hope you like it though.

It’s another cookie delivery Monday tomorrow. I’ve told you about them, and the awkwardness that goes with at least one of those. I do like delivering for St. Mary’s though, because kids are awesome! Still, it’s not a bad way to spend the morning. I did realize something else though, I figured out when we are. Not like the date, I give you that all the time. I mean when, what happened in this time that makes it stand out. This is the year of the very first Overlord Squire. The shield giving, the one my dad and Sylus Kurgen made. I’ve shown it to you, with that eight arrowed symbol on the front. I’ve told you how it makes me laugh that in my father’s forge it is the symbol of chaos. But here I am, and what am I doing? Causing chaos of course. I’m laughing now, I know you can’t hear me, but I thought you should know. You should probably know also that it’s your mom who just became the Overlady, and that I’ve actually thrown my hat into the ring for getting it. I know, I shouldn’t try. I did say I was causing chaos though. I don’t think you have to worry about me getting it, the competition is pretty fierce. Michi’s got more of a shot of catching up than I do. I honestly just thought I might need it at some point. I haven’t told your mom who I am or when I’m from, but she keeps giving me the look. It’s probably a good thing she hasn’t asked me anything, I’d cave out of habit. She knows, and I know she does. She actually called me Niko the other day… Unless you think that was just habit too? No, she knows and I’m sorry. I’ve never been good at subtle. I think maybe my talents lie more in the line of making an entrance.

Perhaps I shouldn’t be trying to leave any foot prints here. I know that, but I want there to be something of me that you can see. Something to tell you that I was here, and that everything I am doing is meant to help this situation. I’ve been discovered too many times though. For who I am, or who I will be. I’m rambling, you do that to me. You make me nervous, and when I can’t talk straight, I act out. It may have looked like just me and Alex getting brilliant ideas and then trying them with no preparation. But Avy, when my words fail me, I can always rely on my talents to show you how I’m feeling, head over heels, twisting and spinning. Maybe I shouldn’t be telling you all these things, but I made a promise to myself, and to you, though I doubt you could hear it. No more secrets, no more hidden thoughts, or wants. They’ve already cost us something that I’m beginning to see more value in. Time. That comes from knowing, such a double edged sword knowing that you’ve wanted me to make a move. Fool, and blind, those are the things I’ve been.

To know though, it’s enough to make me do those foolish things, like show myself to those who would disapprove of our action. It’s enough to make me fill to bursting with the notion. Then I remember you, and how you’re alone there wondering, maybe hurting with the not knowing what’s happening. I never thought about what you might be going through in all this. Not in this way at least. I’m so sorry, Avy. If I could be there just to hold you until we both learn to breathe again, I’d be there now. Missing you is the hardest part of this. Knowing that you miss me too, is so entwined with that, I think we’re just different ends of the same thread, that somewhere in the middle fate has tied a knot that it knew would stop us from realizing the truth. This is all my fault. I’ve been filling my days, much the same as I had to during the Lucis Weeks. Practicing, fighting, bantering back and forth with Addie, and Michi. I’ve been a performing act where circus clown meets the high wire and trapeze. I have to, or the thoughts of you would be so hard to face, they’d stop me cold. You already do that when you’re near.


"When you are with me, I'm free, I'm careless, I believe. Above all the others we'll fly. This brings tears to my eyes. My sacrifice."


I heard that the other day on WHAM, and I had to stop myself from tearing up in front of Addie. If she saw she was at least silent about it. This is me though Avy. How I am right now for you. It’s bad, and still it’s good. It’s so much better than simply believing that I am the only one who knows what it feels like to be separated. So I run, I fight… I practice and play and do everything I can think of to keep myself going. I have to if I’m to come back to you. I’ll give everything I have to be able to see you, to touch you once more. But mostly…

“I just want to say hello again.”

Nikolai


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 07, 2016 5:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

4 October 2016 (4:03 A.M.)

My Averia,

It all went wrong today, I let myself be sucked in by this place, and the seemingly innocuous place that it looks like on the surface caused me to let my guard down. I was convinced that my hyper vigilance was paranoia, only to discover that I was right to be so suspicious. They’re here Avy, those Orianite thugs with their purple robes and their desire to take Addie and do gods know what to her. *** me I feel so stupid. You sent me here for one purpose and I’ve failed at it, but I think it might be even worse than that. I can’t be sure, but I believe it’s possible this is all my fault. In two years Addie has had no contact with those evil mongers. Two years for them to have found her. I found her in months, and I have to say they seem better equipped than I ever was. Tell me I’m wrong Avy, that they didn’t follow me here and that once again I’m being paranoid. Please, I'll believe it if it comes from you.

They came on us, no, they were waiting for us in Dockside. They were waiting along the exact route that Addie and I take to get from Old Temple to the Dockside manor. From what I’ve seen, it is the same way she’s gone since she began these deliveries. Neither of us were prepared, we hadn’t even bothered to arm ourselves. I told you I let this place blind me. It was an ambush, the pair we ran into were just to stop us, turn us around into a bigger mess. There were only six of them. I say only but among them were magic users. They wore armor beneath those robes of theirs. We’re safe, we ran like only you and Alex could understand. You’d have been so proud of Addie. I know she hated every jump, and climb. But she was terrified of the men coming after us. What did they do to her. It only makes me hate them more.They caught up to us at one point, three of them did at least. We fought like our lives depended on it. These people Avy, they aren’t just any mob of zealots. They’re organized, efficient and highly skilled. You know if they were ordinary they’d have stood no chance. I was forced to use my ability, and you of all people know how that freaks me out. Even that wasn’t really helping. It took one of them out of the fight, and I think I might have been the cause of a fire that broke out. We managed a jump that was extremely difficult, leaping from a high roof to the down sloped side of a house, everything was moving so quickly, I don’t know how we managed to get out of that slide and leap to the stairwell beyond. I’d love to do it again, even though I did break my fingers on the landing. I think if we weren’t being rushed it would have been all right. Of course I also know that if we weren’t being pursued, that Addie’d still be on that roof telling me how crazy I am. The ones that remained able were still going to follow us, until Addie dropped a house on one. Well, she dropped one on the roof, he hit so hard that the thing collapsed inward. That’s when they started to throw spells at her, nearly dislodged the stairwell from the building it was attached to. Things calmed a bit after that, we hunkered down in the Dockside Manor, then spent the night at Miz’s house. Her parents house really. Miz is the drummer for the band, and she’s pretty cool. I think you’d like her. She’s underaged though, and the only way I was allowed to stay was by saying that I was into guys. I did, but honestly I needed to get out of there for a while.

I say needed, and it wasn’t just the bit of awkwardness that came from pretending to be something I’m not. I am more resolved than ever to win the Shield of Gondar. I managed to put myself slightly ahead over the weekend, I think I told you that, but tonight I really put some distance between myself and the others. How? I won a duel against The Empress. It was apparently worth a lot because it netted me some big points. I don’t think I made a good impression on her though. I mean I only told the truth, but maybe she didn’t want to hear that she’s old enough to be my mom. Or it could be all the talking about you that I did while we fought. I tried to tell her exactly how beautiful you are. I still don’t think I did you justice though. I even showed her your picture so she’d know that having someone like you, there is no one else that can compare. She just kind of growled at me, and said you look like a child. That made me a little angry I guess, but I did sensibly point out that you were of age, and that she felt that way because she’s old enough to be your mom too. She threw a spoon at me. I can hear you laughing, it really hurt.

I ran a patrol before heading back, it seems like they lost her again, at least I didn’t seen anyone on the streets that remotely resembled one or the cult members. Did we suspect this might happen? Wasn’t that a warning that we were given before my father agreed to do this? Communication is a thing, Avy, or at least it should have been. Being Kryptic is too damn time consuming, it doesn’t say the things I need it to say, so I refuse to do it. I don’t need to be a mystery to you, not when I want to be an open book, one that you can’t put down. It has a beginning, but let it have no end.

I knew this was coming. Even when it’s late, and I’m exhausted beyond measure it always comes to me, the thoughts of you, memories of the way you walk and talk. You need me, and I need to be there. You’re right though, Addie needs me too, even if she didn’t before. So here I’ll stay, for now. At least until she’s good again. I do love her you know Avy, almost as much as you do, maybe as much such things are impossible for me to tell. She’s not you though, she’ll always be part of me. When I come home to you, I’ll miss her, even if it is for different reasons. How does anyone manage to live when their hearts are cut in two?

My faith is shaken, not in the things I can do, but that I’m going to be enough to make it all right again. A touch from you would change my mind, a word sent directly from you. I haven’t forgotten you, and all the times that you were with me as I struggled against myself. I needed you then, I need you as much now. You who walked through hell fires with me in the recesses of my mind. I can’t feel you now though, and while this hell may not be as hot, it’s a vast and uncertain. It wouldn’t be if I could have even the slightest touch of your mind. I wish you knew what it meant to me, what it would mean… If you only knew…

That I believe in you.

Nikolai


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 13, 2016 7:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

7 October 2016

My Averia,

This isn’t going to be my easiest letter to write you. I’m tired, and maybe a little upset that I can’t seem to get the straightest of answers. It won’t stop me. I suppose I should just begin, somewhere, and figure things out as I go. I went to see you mother. She asked me to, and well I managed to win the shield. Now you have something to look at that shows I am here and alive. So, yeah, she had to give me the shield, and asked me to come out to the Sassy owl. I’m surprised by how new the place looks. We shared a beer together, that wasn’t weird or anything. I took a gamble though, I kind of figured that maybe she’d have some insight into what I can do, what I should be doing. I’m sure she has it, but most of her insight was into what I shouldn’t be doing. She did of course realize that I’m an Allen, and that means one thing plenty of chaos.

I think she wanted to help me, but she can’t, and I don’t want her to now. Knowing that her hand is restrained because it keeps you and Alex safe is enough reason for me to give up that source of aid. She seems convinced that I’m going to see my father. I’m not so certain. She also seems convinced that I will ignore the costs if it means saving Addie. I honestly can’t say she’s wrong, but there are some costs that are just so high. She offered what she could, said she’d do anything if I needed it. I was spiraling though, the high winds of expectation died and left me with nothing to stay aloft. I did get the shield though. It’s pretty special. I’ll try it out tonight. She also said something about keeping the kids locked away til their thirty. Part of me thinks she meant all of us, not just you and Alex. I don’t think I’d mind that so much if I could be locked away with you. At first it made me laugh, but then I guess gears started to turn. So I’ll just assume you’re wearing that look and tell you yeah. I told her everything, told her about what brought me here, told her about only being here for Addie, and then going back. I told her about my dad. That was the one favor I asked, I hope she heard me. I want to make her proud, Avy. To fight like no one she’s ever seen and to do the impossible. I just want to see her again when I come back and have her tell me well done, rather than be the capital T in trouble.

I told you about the robed dudes, I told you that they came because of me. I’ll keep fighting them. I think I have everything I need now, except the rest of the crew. I think though if I am going to get solid advice, I need to talk to someone who doesn’t have anything at stake in this. Just talk, and get an understanding, maybe figure something out. I think it’s time that I put some information out there for you. I told you that Addie did a good thing for the right reasons. I told you that it was affecting her though. Truth is that Addie raised someone close to her from the dead. That is a good thing right? His heart had been removed, and that’s where my father came into play. How intricately would he have to work in order to produce a functional heart? Since the ceremony that brought him back, Addie’s had nightmares. That’s something I’d expect perhaps, but rather than go away they grew more frequent. She wasn’t sleeping, so she started to self medicate.

It’s true what they say, you build up a tolerance and it takes more to give you the same effect. Sometimes it takes too much, and that’s what happened, how she died. Not a lot of people know about it. I don’t think she wanted to really tell me, because she didn’t want to become something other than the same old Addie to me. She’ll always be that, which is what I explained to her. I’ve seen some stuff about her. Things that I now wonder if I’ve simply been unobservant all my life or. Has Addie always had two shadows and I’ve just never noticed? It’s kind of weird, I mean it doesn’t even really look like her body. Maybe it’s some kind of half draconic trait? I’d swear sometimes it moves on its own.

Your mom’s under challenge, already. I would gladly take the test for her, but somehow I don’t believe she’ll call on me for that. Maybe she should, or maybe I should insist. I don’t know. I’m sure she knows how I feel now, about you I mean. I don’t think I came right out and said it, but I hide things poorly. Well most things I guess. Funny how the most important thing I hid from you for so long. I take it seriously though, there are no games of the heart. Not with me at least. I’ve never wanted to be toyed with, but really that’s all I ever saw out of the couples we knew growing up. If I wanted to be hurt like that, then any girl would do,hell possibly every one of them. That just isn’t me though. I’d never believe that I was being played, I’d never let it enter my mind, would defend that position until it was admitted to me, and then I’d still try to deny it. None of this matters anyway, I haven’t been looking. I honestly can’t without comparing every girl to you. I find them all to be lacking something that you have. I don’t mean just one thing, it’s a lot of things, even to the exact place your head hits me when you hold onto me. They’re too tall, or too pale. Too feminine or too afraid, and I haven’t even gotten to the not enoughs yet. Not enough, never enough to take your place. Maybe I shouldn’t say these things, I know there’s no such thing as perfection even among the walking demigods that seem to inhabit every other pair of shoes on the sidewalks. I get tired of looking, of all of it. Maybe that's why i took to the rooftops in the first place. When I did, there you were always with me, or ahead of me making the same jumps. But you’re far more impressive than I am. You’ve got to work a little harder, take an extra step to get where Alex and i can by doing less. Did you know that sometimes I lagged behind, just so I had the chance to see you doing things? You’re really something to see when you’re out there, and maybe you don’t suspect that anyone’s looking, or not like that. I swear, sometimes I thought you were going to learn to fly on the way down. I can’t help watching you Avy, it’s so damn hard to look away. Even when I tried deny you…

I could always see you. I guess you win again, I am…

Your Nikolai


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2016 7:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

26 October 2016 2:00 A.M.

My Averia,

I haven’t done any writing to you for a few days, and for that I’m sorry. My days have been full of practice, and learning. I said learning, it’s true. Too much has happened since my letter last week. You’re mom lost her challenge. She made me her second, but then moved forward without asking for the test. I’d have fought for her, I’d have won for her despite that Jewell’s second was Kalamere. Now I suppose I should be happy that she agreed to let me stay on as squire. I’d have gone for it again, but somehow I just don’t think it would come to me twice. Chaos reigns, and because of that she agreed. Then again maybe it was something your mom said or did. I am grateful, but happiness has had to come from other places. I’d give up heaven to know a little happiness in your arms. Hang on, Addie’s looking at me.

It’s a party, and has been since right around midnight. Something Addie cooked up on the fly I guess. It would be better if I felt more like celebrating. I’m trying to smile, and succeeding sometimes even if I can’t get everything else that happened this week out of my head. After the band’s release party, they got a gig playing at WBGR. A nice little unplugged session, and they did really well. Fame is the problem though. After we all left, after Michi and Miz separated from us, we were set upon again. We’re okay, we were much better prepared this time. Neither of us wanted a repeat of the last situation. It was good that I had the shield, I think it actually sensed the spell they threw at me. I tripped, though thinking back it seemed more like a push. If I hadn’t, the shield wouldn’t have been lined up with whatever they tried to hit me with. Addie and I ran, not without showing them a few surprises. Addie managed to freeze a few of them right in their tracks. It was pretty awesome, she made a fire hydrant break and flash froze the water. Then I nearly lost control. I say nearly, but it was like when you used to help me. I never told anyone about that, I needed you then, I need you now too it seems. Without I’m just a monster. I know that it was for the best, that they wanted to kill me and take Addie. I know every argument that puts the right spin on it, but none of those arguments says anything about the innocent people that could have been hurt. I don’t even know if I hurt someone else. We got out of there, fast as we could. Addie’s mom’s was close by, or closest. It was so, surreal seeing her. We talked a bit, why these conversations lead only to more questions I’ll never understand. I told you that I was considering talking to someone. After the second ambush… After seeing the woman who’s been dead for so long… It feels like time just keeps echoing itself. Raven, and your mom, Addie and her friend there’s too many similarities. I needed to talk to someone because I no longer trusted my own opinion. So I did. I went to Panacea to see Cane.

I know, I shouldn’t have, but Cane’s smart. What I mean there is smart enough not to let himself get pulled into this. He wasn’t happy by the end of our conversation. I wasn’t so happy either, but I was right. Coming here is probably what brought them to Addie. Coming here was probably a huge mistake. He advised me to go back where I came from. I want to, I can’t protect Addie, I want to bring her back to a place where she’ll have as much as she needs. The thing is, Avy, I couldn’t help thinking that maybe what Addie needs is not to be saved. She needs to be fixed, or unburdened or whatever it is. That’s had me down at the Teas and Tomes with any free time I get. I’m studying, trying to see what might have happened to her. If I could find a way for her to be released of the nightmares so she could sleep, I don’t think I would be needed here anymore. I keep hunting, quietly because I think Addie is suspicious of what I’m doing. Hell, I’d say Saturday Cane might have said something to her.


I wish I were brilliant like you. That maybe I understood these things long before. I’m only beginning to scratch the surface. At least now I can figure out what writings to pay attention to and which ones I can bypass. I’m not looking for a how to save a life manual. I need an in the event of book that contains a couple of things, the bad dreams and shadow. What are they, what do they mean? How do I stop them? How do I stop them, Avy? Perhaps just as importantly, how do I get home to you?

I’ve thought more about that, and you over these past months. Almost a million heartbeats without you, and maybe more with all the running I’ve been doing. I never wanted to spend more than one this way. I swear I’d felt it enough in that one to know that a million would leave me just as I am now. Sitting in the middle of my own party, writing a letter to the person I wish most were here. But it’s a party, Avy. I need to go and be happy. But honestly, when I need to be happy. I just pull out my phone and look at you, smiling in my sweat shirt. It keeps me alive, laughing. You do that, intentional or not you do it for me.

You are with me until I am there standing over you. Until I forget who’s around, and the things that you aren’t supposed to do to a Princess. When that time is finally come… be careful Avy…

Because I aim to misbehave.

Nikolai



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Nick Allen
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2016 9:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

December promise you gave unto me
December whispers of treachery
December clouds are now covering me
December songs no longer I sing
~ Collective Soul December


30 October 2016


My Averia,


I don’t know what to say. I can’t seem to find words that will tell you what’s about to happen. Maybe I’ll just start at the end, and work my way backwards. Maybe I’ll just start and let things come and go as they are bound to do. Tomorrow you’ll get these, tomorrow when it is too late to do anything about it because as much as I want you to it just can’t be. My original intention had been to send you everything well in advance. To let you know the things which happened and you would hold off on sending me back here. That would create a paradox, or maybe it already has? If I don’t come back, you don’t know what happens and you send me. It’s a vicious circle that I am not willing to perpetuate.


There were other options open to me, hard ones that I’d have done if I were stronger or maybe a little bit more the big dummy that I’m considered. Kill the father, kill the son, that would send things exploding into unknowable eventualities. There were too many reasons not to do the former. If he weren’t there, who would I hurt in my efforts to contain the fire within me? There is only one reason not to do the latter. I want to live to know you better. Either way there is no guarantee that it would make things right or better. If I am going to do fix things, I am going to do it right, as right as I can at least. What does that leave me, Averia?


I told a lie today, blatantly and bold faced one word at a time in front of Addie. She’ll not know until it’s time. I had to lie to her, you see I understand things a little better now. I can’t come back, because every step that I have taken here changes where you are. There is no way that I can find you among the thousand thousand possibilities. I could find an Averia, but there is only one you. It sounds illogical, it is I suppose but I’m not thinking with my brain. Here is what I know, what I’ve uncovered and what I intend to do.


I told you in my last letter that I can’t protect Addie. There’s too many of them, and as lucky as we’ve been, that won’t hold. I’m thinking now that I do not need to protect her. There are many here that will rally around her. She isn’t alone, has never really been so. Cane suggested that knowing my situation, it would be better to leave here and not come back. He’s certainly right, but in my own defiance I am unable to do that. I won’t without the answers I looked for. The ones which I found. You see, Avy, it occurred to me that I didn’t need to protect her physically. That I needed to find a way to combat that which had sent her over the edge in the first place. How do I counter the influence of the shadow into which she accidentally stepped? It is a shadow influence, and that might explain why she sought the black rock at one time. It is tied to her because something went wrong in Addie’s bringing her friend back. From what I’ve read it is most likely the sacrifice that was insufficient. The shadow is a byproduct of that. It is doom in a way, meant to tell her that more is required. That’s a good thing, it means there is a way out for her. The real issue is how long she has gone without meeting its demands. It’s bond is cumulative, requiring greater and greater sacrifice the longer she holds onto it. After nearly two years, it’s starting to feed off of her. It’s possible that if she’d caught it early enough, anything would do. Now? There are certain requirements that must be met. The deed must be done by her hand. The sacrifice must be dear to her, and willing to accept the mantle she’ll be casting off.


What happens if I don’t help her do this? The influence becomes increasingly worse. This is what I believe happened to all of us. Addie didn’t do what was required, and the shadow eventually corrupted her. I could be way off, I am just a novice here, but I don’t believe I am. I don’t understand this world sometimes, Avy. Why is it that things had to be this way? Maybe it’s true what the old songs say? “One good turn deserves my dying.” You’ll tell me not to do it, you’d come back to stop me from trying. That’s why the letters came at the end instead of the beginning. I refuse to live a life without you in it, or give up an existence where it means parting from how I feel. I’m stubborn, and obstinate and worst of all… silent.


I won’t say the words that are perched upon my lips. Three words, eight simple letters and two spaces. I won’t do that to you. I can’t come back to you, but maybe if I leave a little doubt it will make it simpler for you to move on. It’s the last thing I’ll be able to give you, even if it is the last thing you’ll want. I could live, I could learn to be happy. I don’t want to be happy like this. I won’t scream about it, I won’t think it aloud. Moving on is easy, just don’t worry about it or speak of doubt. All that I want for you is to be, so you don’t get to see those words from me, no matter what I might feel. Now it’s up to you. Just turn your head, Avy…


...spit me out.


Nikolai

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